I have just spent several minutes writing and rewriting a post about how Larry accidentally locked Icky (the outside cat) in the trunk of my car overnight, and how the only reason I even heard him meowing was that I was buckling Spike into the carseat, which I don’t usually do in the morning since Larry takes him to school and I pick him up, and I was buckling him in because we were headed to the doctor, and we were only headed to the doctor that morning because I am an idiot and thought our appointment was the day before in the afternoon, and I left work early and got to the doctor’s office and then discovered that I am an idiot and made an appointment for the next day, and anyway the whole point of the whole thing was that I saved Icky’s life by being forgetful. But man, even the Cliffs Notes version of that story is not all that great.

Sidenote: besides having a poo-poo party on one of my jackets, Icky was totally fine. And Larry feels terrible. It’s pretty much the best thing that’s ever happened to Icky in terms of us being extra nice to him.

In unrelated news, today has been fairly awesome: the baby slept for 9 hours last night! And I read The Invention of Hugo Cabret! And I watched 5 episodes of the second season of Dexter! And I read half of How to Talk About Books You Haven’t Read! And I made brownies! And a cheesecake to take to a party tomorrow!

So: to sum up, the cat almost died and I had an awesome day.

Hey there, internets.

Today the long-awaited Cringe book goes on sale, and I think you should buy it. Don’t borrow it from a friend, go out and buy the dang thing! It has pretty, shiny, color pages full of adolescent journaling and updates from those previous adolescents and there is one entry that makes me laugh just thinking about it (THE NOTEBOOK OF RAGE AND HATRED) and also some people you know might be in there. Maybe.

What’s worse than forgetting one of your bags at Target and having to go back the next day to get your stuff?

Having to go back to get the fuzzy dice dog toy and the, uh, cat beret you paid good money for.

Update! (more…)

Some things:

1. Spike has been sick! His first illness, how cute. He has something called daycare-itis, otherwise known as hand, foot, and mouth disease. I know. It’s like hoof and mouth disease, only less bovine. Symptoms include little blisters in the throat and bleating like a goat: ehhhhhhh. Ehhhhhh. Ehhhhhh. He is much better now. Lucky for him.

2. Speaking of Spike, I regret to inform you that the hair is starting to fall out some. He still has the ‘do (when we were in the doctor’s office on Monday, a little redneck kid said HAY MOMMA THAT BABY GOT A MOHAWK) and it’s just thinning in certain spots, but now Spike has the air of a sad old man who used to be hip.

3. Last night I pulled a lodged popcorn kernal (I wanted to type colonel!) out of Larry’s gums. It was incredibly satisfying. Also: a sign of true love.

4. Someone at work told me yesterday that viruses come from the chemicals in the air.

5.
Q: What did Neil Armstrong say when he got tired of exploring space?
A: “I’m over the moon.”

• A SORHO

I know. I know! I wrote it down! I saw this car twice so I know this is what it says. Any suggestions besides the obvious?

• A few weeks ago I watched this show called Housecat Housecall on Animal Planet where bad cats get visited by a kitty therapist and are magically cured. There was this inside cat named Chumley who liked to attack the visitors and sometimes his owners. SOUNDS FAMILIAR. Instead of the options at our house, which were “let’s kill him!” and then “ok, fine, medicine it is,” the kitty therapist suggested that Chumley needed to exercise his hunting skills. She suggested the owners sprinkle cat food around the house and let Chumley go hunting that way. People, it sounds stupid, but do you want to know something? We’ve been trying it with Pete and it seems to be working! I don’t trust him enough to let him wander throughout the house when the baby is ripe and available for biting, but last weekend Pete came out for a supervised visit while the baby was asleep and sat nicely in a chair next to me for an hour. Bonus: he’s also off his meds! And I have not heard the telltale signs of Pete being horrible, which is Larry bellowing OW YOU LITTLE SHIT.

• This morning I came upon this website (if you must know, I was doing a search for “selena gomez” and chicken). It might be the best thing I have ever read, especially this line:
Just beam her a bottleful of Geritol with a state that says “Suck it, Old!” and permit her undergo that you’re not afraid of her. It’s the exclusive artefact to care with a bully. You shouldn’t be excusing her actions, chipmunk.

Scene: a gas station. Sally is buying gum and a bottle of water.

Clerk: You don’t need any snacks to go with your gum?
Sally: No thanks.
Clerk: OH MY GOD WATCH OUT THERE’S A MIDGET WITH A MOP BEHIND YOU!
Sally: (turns and sees very short lady with mop)
Very Short Lady with Mop (to Clerk): I’ma keel yew.

Things You Can Do On Your Lunch Hour if You Live in a Town the Size of Jackson:

1. Go to the bank.
2. Go to the post office (go inside and wait in line and everything!).
3. Eat a cheeseburger (um, in your car in the Steinmart parking lot).
4. Buy Christmas presents for your grandmother at Steinmart.

Dear Clip-on Earrings That Are Always Half Price at Every Store, Everywhere, Always:

Don’t ever stop believing that someone will buy you. You’re the only gift my grandmother doesn’t complain about (see also: “You gave me too many pajamas,” winter 2003; “I have enough lotion,” winter 2006).

Love,
Sally

Hello, internet. I have not died. Thank you for asking.

Some things:

1. Last weekend we had Spike christened, and while it did mess up his rockin’ hair, the whole production wore the man out and that night, the child slept for eight hours. In a row! I woke up at 5 in the morning and made Larry go investigate to see if he was dead. Lo, he was not dead, only tired. Since then he has averaged between six and seven hours each night. If you are reading this and are thinking about posting a comment about how YOUR baby slept through the night starting at 6 weeks or something, just…don’t. Let me gloat, will you?

2. Besides his awesome hair, the other thing Spike has been sporting is a rather icky case of ezcema on his face. Last Thursday when I picked him up from school, it looked like the generally kindly teachers in his room had decided to place him face down in the parking lot and let him scoot around. His pretty face was all red and inflamed and I had the overwhelming urge to apologize to everyone we encountered. We went to the doctor the next day and got some magic cream, which did the trick. I thought I was overreacting about the rash but it turns out that the reason he was tearing up his face with his fingernails wasn’t because I wasn’t vigilant enough about cutting them, it was because it was itchy. It also seemed to be affecting his appetite, although I shouldn’t have worried because…while we were at the doctor Spike got weighed, and um…he’s big. BIG, y’all. He is 3 months old and weighs, you know, 18 pounds, 4 ounces.

3. Brief television notes:
Project Runway: Look, I love PR and I always will, but would it be possible for the designers to try a little less hard to coin phrases, to be the hated one, to be the one people talk about? Between Suede and Mango and the kid with the Peter Pan hat, I’m dying here. I mean Sally’s dying here. Sally does not like Suede or Mango or Peter Pan or the phrase “girlicious.”

Shear Genius: Many years ago Mrs. Floon developed a maternal crush on this little skinny boy that we knew, and her greatest dream was to cook him a pot roast and tuck him into bed. I have that feeling about Daniel on Shear Genius. He’s just precious. I also had no idea that a hair show could be even remotely entertaining, but look, bitchy people competing for stuff is always fun to watch.

Mad Men: I was so excited about the premiere and then nothing major happened and I was disappointed (although is it just me? I thought her name was Betty, not Betsy…). But this week’s episode?! Pete and American Airlines?! Peggy and the baby that might be hers but also might be her sister’s?! Joan’s boobs?! I think they grow in each episode.