31 Mar 2008

Snobs Everywhere, Unite!

Written by sally @ 8:28 am — Section: Uncategorized

The back page essay in the NYTBR this week was about literary dealbreakers (“It’s Not You, It’s Your Books”). Read the article, then go read the accompanying blog post about it. Be sure and read the comments.

27 Mar 2008

Love, Mom.

Written by sally @ 3:13 pm — Section: Uncategorized

I can’t get enough of this website.

I just thought you should know.

25 Mar 2008

“…or as A person.”

Written by sally @ 9:29 am — Section: sally

So last night was the last childbirth class, THANK GOD, and it was the least painful of all of them. We didn’t do any bullshit crafts or breathing on feathers, and instead learned about what kind of junk we’re going to have to buy. Now that is practical knowledge. (There was only one real redneck moment, and that was when Mr. Pipe Cleaner Gun asked where the duct tape was when asked to change a diaper.) What I find hilarious is that in the same breath, our instructor tells us how awesome breastfeeding is and then shoves three different sample packs of formula in our faces as we leave. Do the right thing! Also, here is some nice free stuff. In case you want to use it. Even though we just told you not to.

In other news, what is the appropriate response to this email?

I am sorry for anything I’ve ever said to hurt you or made you feel bad or generally treated you badly as a woman or as A person. I am in a 12 step program and need to make amends with anyone I hurt or treated poorly. I have shared all of the Letters you wrote to me with my wife (yes I kept everything even the postcards). Please accept my sincere apology.

First, I am intrigued by the random capitalization. Second, what the heck did I write in my [L]etters? Third, I have never been apologized to by a person in a 12-step program and it is very exciting. He must be very thorough because the worst thing he ever did to me was fart in my car once in 1993.

20 Mar 2008

Happy Birthday to Larry!

Written by sally @ 10:05 am — Section: sally

Also, today is Larry’s birthday!

Last year, I made him this awesome cake; this year I did the same basic thing but added a third layer of brownies (the brownie layer is in the middle) and covered the whole thing in cream cheese icing. Then I put some orange sprinkles on top and some of those candy letters that spell out “happy birthday” from the grocery store. It might be a masterpiece of trashy culinary tooth-rotting delight.

Next year, I plan on adding a layer of ice cream.
The year after that, a layer of ribs.

How to Have an Exciting Morning.

Written by sally @ 10:03 am — Section: sally

1. Be 8 months pregnant with a bonus feature of sciatica, a pain that starts in your right buttcheek and shoots down your leg, making you walk like Frankenstein, or at least Frankenstein’s pregnant mother, oh, if only the poor thing had a mother.
2. Decide to let the outside cat in for a while since it is 35 degrees out.
3. Have a stupid dog who keeps chasing the outside cat through the yard.
4. After several rounds of calling the cat, only to have the stupid dog chase the cat through the yard again, decide to just go pick up the cat and carry him into the house.
5. Forget that the never-used bottom lock on the back door is locked.
6. Close the door behind you.
7. With cat in arms, discover the door is locked.
8. Say “fuck” loudly.
9. Have a husband who is at the gym.
10. Walk around to the front of the house in your pink pajamas that do not cover your belly to check the front door.
11. Discover that it is locked.
12. Consider going to a neighbor’s house.
13. Decide not to because your husband doesn’t have his cell phone on his person while working out, and besides, your pink pajamas do not cover your belly.
14. Consider crying.
15. Decide not to because it could be worse.
16. It could be raining.
17. You could be in labor.
18. Remember the time you were locked out when you were 8 or so and your grandmother was visiting, and you ended up peeing in the litter box in the garage while she walked to the middle school to get the key from your brother.
19. Check your car doors to see if they’re unlocked. They are not.
20. Manage to lure the outside cat to you, where you sit on the stoop, which is a smallish stoop and can only accommodate approximately one half of your behind, the right side of which is currently experiencing a searing pain.
21. Use the outside cat for warmth, as it is still 35 degrees outside.
22. Contemplate your miserable existence.
23. Consider crying again.
23. Become distracted when the dog suddenly notices you have that outside cat in your lap.
24. Passively watch as the dog picks a fight with the outside cat inches from your face.
25. Have an outside cat who claws you while trying to escape.
26. Watch your dog chase the outside cat through the yard again.
27. Try to beat on your dog, only she is faster than you and you don’t want to get your slippers muddy in the yard.
28. Tell the dog you hate her instead of beating her, which she would probably think was fun anyway.
29. Plot ways to kill your dog later, preferably those methods that allow one to lay on the couch during the killing.
30. When the dog approaches you and her sweet puppy dog eyes are clearly asking what the hell y’all are both doing outside, decide not to kill her.
31. Breathe a sigh of relief when you hear your husband’s car coming down the driveway about 30 minutes after your ordeal began.
32. Finally, burst into tears.

Fin

19 Mar 2008

More Vanity Tag Questions!

Written by sally @ 3:00 pm — Section: Uncategorized

The good people of Mississippi are slipping when it comes to these tags.

1. GODPLCE

God please?
God place?
Good place?
Good police?
Go, Denver Public Library Continuing Education?

2. PUBEAR1

Yeah, I know it’s probably pooh bear. But here is what I saw:

Pube ear one!
Pub ear one!
Pube are one!
PUBE EAR OMG THAT TOTALLY SAYS PUBE EAR

18 Mar 2008

Mad About Pipe Cleaners.

Written by sally @ 8:31 am — Section: Uncategorized

Last night’s childbirth class was actually marginally okay — there was no dancing, at least — and we basically just watched a couple of non-gory videos (including most of the episode of Mad About You where Jamie gives birth), took a tour of the hospital, and then went home.

But! There was also a craft project.

When we arrived we were given two pipe cleaners each and asked to make something. Most of the girls (uh, including me) made flowers. There were also some hearts, some uninspired necklaces, a turkey (?), and a stick figure person. Larry outdid himself and made this charming bee:

pipecleanerbee.jpg

My favorite, however, was the redneck with the huge wad of dip in his mouth who made two things: a car, and this: (more…)

17 Mar 2008

Vanity Tag Question.

Written by sally @ 2:32 pm — Section: Uncategorized

RUN2ME

Does this say:

1. Run to me.
2. Are you into me?

Thank you.

12 Mar 2008

A Conversation with My Staff.

Written by sally @ 1:27 pm — Section: sally

Sally (walking past two staff members): Goodbye, children.
Staff: Bye.
Sally: Does it bother you when I call you “children”?
Staff Member 1: Maybe if you never spoke to us, and if you always referred to us as children.
Sally: What about when you come into my office and I say, “What up, buttercup?” Is that weird?
Staff Member 2: It’s weird, but we’re used to it.
Sally: What about when I say “get ouuuuuut” like I’m Donatella Versace?
Staff Member 1: I had no idea that was what that was supposed to be.
Sally: What about “shoo, fly, shoo”? Is that annoying?
Staff Member 2: Sort of.
Sally: You’re fired.

11 Mar 2008

Damn! The Ballgame’s On, Woman!

Written by sally @ 2:44 pm — Section: sally

Why, hello there!

I keep meaning to post something, and then I don’t, and then the other night I couldn’t sleep so I started writing something, and then today I read it and it makes no sense, but not in a charmingly sleepy way. It was something about how Larry told me I was a great singer after I sang “Dumb Dog” (you know, from Annie) to Lulu, and then I got mad, and now he is very sad because I have vowed never to sing it again, ever, and has resorted to at least trying to get me to say the words “dumb dog,” which also has not worked.

Last night we went to childbirth class for the first time. We were supposed to go last week, but there was a storm coming that was supposed to have 80 mph winds, and the classes are held in a little trailer behind the hospital, so, no thanks. When I thought about going to class, I concentrated on dreading having to face the fact that a person will be coming out of my body soon, which fills me with terror if I think about it too much. What I did not consider was that the other people in the class would be rednecks.

There was lots of camo up in that trailer (naturally, I should’ve known!) and a lot of loud and swaggering men who thought they were hilarious. Here is a sampling of what occured:

–Our instructor asked us to tell her something about ourselves that would make her remember us. Most people just said what their jobs were (uh, including us) but one girl said, “Well, his last name is Pickle and pickles are my favorite food.” [Note: she didn’t say that exactly, but it was something similarly dumb.] Another girl completely made my day by turning around and saying, “Well, as you can see, I am very beautiful.” She said that, out loud and everything. It was awesome.

–The men had to get in groups and make lists of things they can do to help their ladyfriends while in labor. Most were sweet, like “get her ice chips” or “rub her back,” but one group included “Don’t get mad.” The instructor asked what that meant. The guy said, “You know, don’t get mad if she goes into labor during a ballgame or something.” Another group put “light candles.” You know, in the hospital. With all of that nice oxygen around.

Larry and I did a pretty good job of keeping it together until we had to watch the video of the placenta coming out. We laughed like little children, little children who were recently told that right after they were born, their mothers also gave birth to large red hams. However, we did keep it together when we had to position our arms in classic middle school dance formation and sway back and forth while James Taylor sang “How Sweet It Is to Be Loved By You.” Seriously! We managed not to burst into flames and/or die. We are looking forward to next week, when apparently we get to sit in chairs like big boys and girls and not sit on the floor and breathe onto some feathers.

In totally unrelated news, you should know that Starburst now makes jellybeans, and for a limited time, you can purchase the Red Fruits mix, which is just cherry, strawberry, and watermelon. Watermelon sucks, but a whole huge bag of just cherry and strawberry? I have been ill all day from the handfuls I ate this morning.

Speaking of eating, this really sad thing has happened where if I eat one Dorito, or smell bacon cooking, or even think of a cheeseburger, my ankles get really big. Like, oh, you must have sprained…both of your ankles big. So I am trying to cut down on the sodium intake. I am coping by eating more sugar. I am sure my healthcare professional would approve.

2 Mar 2008

Fame! Our Trash is Gonna Live Forever.

Written by site admin @ 2:51 pm — Section: sally

I will have you know that Larry and I are so famous, our trash is news.

This article in the Clarion-Ledger today features a picture of an ancient tv and some garbage. But that’s not any ancient tv — that’s Larry’s art project/former bookcase. It used to have some, uh, pipes coming out of the top of it? That, uh, held the shelving? And it lived in Larry’s office where no one had to look at it? Except our house just got rearranged and so it was time to say adieu? Anyway, now it will live on forever, not just in our memories.

Bonus information: that green rug on top of the trash can totally has cat poop in it.