After lunch I stopped into a store I’ve never been in before, and the minute I walked in I wanted to turn around and leave, but the lady had already greeted me so I thought I would walk around and pretend to like their merchandise.

THEN I heard the grating sound of a familiar voice. It was the voice of Crazy Betty.

I tried to hide behind some purses but she spotted me. And here is our conversation:

Crazy Betty: Hey girl!
Me: Hey, Betty.
Crazy Betty (spying pregnant belly): Well, what did we do?
Me: (confused)
Crazy Betty: What did we do?
Me: Uh well, you know what we did.
Crazy Betty: No, I said, “When are you due?”
Me: Oh. April.
Random Woman Looking at Shirts: “You know what we did!” Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! That is the funniest thing I have ever heard! Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha (escalating in intensity) HAHAHAHAHAHAH AHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHH.
Me: Ok, Betty, see you later.

Hello, internet.

Things have been busy at work — so busy I worked all day on Sunday, and if you know where I work and that every day at 5:01 the place is a ghost town, you know that this means THINGS ARE BUSY — and I have had to neglect my favorite 3/4 of the day, which is the portion of the day I generally spend goofing off.

On top of getting things together for a series of presentations (nothing puts fear in me more than the prospect of appearing like an idiot), I have had to attend many silly meetings. Yesterday’s meeting might’ve been the silliest, most worthless meeting I have ever attended.

Because of one man.

This man, oh, this man. He apparently had just read a book on Robert’s Rules of Order from cover to cover and was excited about making motions. Here are some of the things he moved that the group do:

1. Stay in budget on an upcoming event.
Tell me: is this necessary? Who would oppose this? If he’s going to go to this length, shouldn’t he move that we all breathe air? However, no one thought this was weird and someone seconded. THEN WE HAD TO VOTE.

2. Change the wording in the by-laws from “winter” to “December, January, or February.” OH GOD KILL ME.

3. Change the wording from “the annual meeting will take place…” to “the annual meeting will take place…once a year.”
I said exactly one thing during this meeting. It was this: Annual means “once a year.”

After two hours of fun, I pretended I had another meeting to go to and I escaped.

So: let us discuss Rock of Love 2: Electric Stripperoo. I don’t know what it is, but while I faithfully tune in to see gigantic boobs and the collagen-pumped lips that are attached to them battle to see who is the biggest slut, the lack of a sane person to root for is discouraging. I was taken with Kristy Joe’s germaphobia in the first episode, but I do not think she is a sane person. Also, the e on Joe really bothers me. I cannot, in good reality television faith, root for her. Therefore, my favorites are:
1. Peyton — because she is old and haggard and probably has the perfect age/temperment to date someone like Bret Michaels.
2. Daisy — because she coquettishly showed the tiny edge of her conscience when she felt bad for busting up into K. Joe’s date.
3. Frenchie — I don’t care if she’s gone. Her enthusiasm and commitment to stripping and sluttiness were unmatched! Maybe she will return like Chris March returned on Project Runway! Maybe someone — Inna, perhaps — will get a giant boil on her face and have to leave, thus reinstating Frenchie! I can dream. Let me have my dream.

Speaking of ProjWay, there are no bounds for my love. Now that icky Victorya is gone, if we could get rid of Ricky, my life would be complete. Maybe if they ditched Rami, too.

One more television note: I accidentally watched 3 episodes of Make Me a Supermodel, and it is not awful! It actually makes me feel a little bad for Top Model for being so low class.

You can’t tell, but I miss real tv.

Last week I was searching for information on Indian companies that use cow manure as an energy source — as you do — and I kept seeing this word, biogas. Here is a representation of what went on in my head:

–What the heck is this bee-AH-gas?
–What the heck does bee-AH-gas mean?
–Is bee-AH-gas a Spanish word?
–Is it plural?
–If so, what is a bee-AH-ga and how does it relate to cow manure?

It took me a really long time to realize that it was, you know, bio-gas. My brain, she is not working lately.

I just went to CVS and bought some lipgloss and a bunch of candy. I got some Dove milk chocolate squares with caramel filling, and while they are delicious, when you unwrap them there is a little saying printed on the wrapper. Here are the sayings for the last four squares I’ve eaten:

–Love without rules.
–Decorate your life.
–Naughty can be nice.
–Hey, why not?

That last one kills me. It literally makes me want to kill. Hey, why not? said the candy. I am very devil-may-care, and even though I contain 11 grams of fat per 5 pieces, I will give you advice. And I say, go for it, man.

My friend Heidi had a baby girl last Thursday, and I should have known that I could rely on her for gory and detailed reporting from the front. So far I have learned these two vital things, put into terms that I can understand:

–When you are about to push the baby out, it feels like there is a bowling ball in your butt.
–When you breastfeed, you should hold your boob like a hamburger, not a taco.

Not a taco! Remember that.

GODRCKS
IB2YZ4U
KIDAGAN
KATWMN
1BADMOM

Someone just came into my office and asked, “Is it a little lady or a little man?”

Eww. The phrase “little lady” makes me think of a tiny Eliza Doolittle at the Ascot races, complete with giant hat. And “little man” reminds me of this.

Hello, and welcome! It is the middle of the night. I went to bed somewhere in the early part of the 9:00 hour and woke up at midnight, when I heard Lulu get up, sneeze, walk into the kitchen, sneeze, walk into the living room, sneeze, walk into our bedroom, sneeze, and then go back to her bed in the back room. I finally got up about 30 minutes ago and came into the guest room to send emails to all the people I owe emails to but never end up emailing because during the day I can find 800 other things to do. Apparently, if you’re not sleeping, you can get a lot of stuff done. Edited to add: OH MY GOD LIKE WRITE THE LONGEST POST OF ALL TIME. (more…)

We just had a tornado warning and were evacuated to the ground floor! This is exciting, mostly because I went to lunch early and therefore was not fretting about what I was going to eat while I was huddled with the other employees and guests. Nothing would worry me more than worrying about being hungry and being crushed by debris at the same time.

Last night’s Project Runway continued to make me say every 5 minutes, “This show is awesome.” I feared for my precious, cantankerous Christian and really hoped Heidi would give Ricky something to cry about, but — SPOILER! — I have no real feelings for that one straight dude so everything turned out ok. Great challenge, though — maybe next season they can truck in some old people and make fashion-forward nightgowns for them. They’ve now done dogs, men, people’s mothers, postal employees, Barbie, former fat ladies, and teenagers. Mark my words: the senior crowd is next.

My favorite moment of the show, though, was Victorya asking her teenybopper, “What was it about my portfolio that made you want to work with me?” and the teenybopper saying, “Um, I got last pick.”

I got lots of books for Christmas, and last night I thoroughly enjoyed examining each page of The Sweeter Side of R. Crumb, which does feature Amazonian women with big calves, but none of it makes you go “ew” like so many Crumb pieces do. When you’re not being grossed out by him, you can really appreciate what a fine artist he is. And, like one Amazon.com reviewer says, “I’m a cat lover and his drawing of his cat was just super.” If that’s not a ringing endorsement, I don’t know what is. It was just super!!

I would like to endorse the Jimmy Dean D-Lights breakfast sandwiches, in particular the fake Egg McMuffin flavor. If you are a fan of the Egg McMuffin — and you should be, because they are a greasy delight — but cannot justify actually having to, you know, go to McDonald’s in the morning, and then having your spouse tsk-tsk you over your poor food choices, this is for you. Not only does it taste 90% like a real Egg McMuffin (lack of grease = -10%), but it also has 6 grams of fat and 230 calories. (I looked this up for a coworker after I delivered my in-person product endorsement while holding a hot, steamy fakegg mcmuffin.) Bonus points go for being ready after a mere 2 minutes in the microwave.

• My mom bought three Christmas trees at Lowe’s this weekend…for $1.50 each.

• In a meeting this morning, after the meeting leader asked if anyone had any other announcements, this guy raised his hand and said, “I just saved $100 on my car insurance.”

• This lady I work with critiques my shoes each day, which I generally find funny, but today when I said that the ones I’m wearing (new, gold) were eating my feet, she got really angry and spouted something about how I was hurting myself to impress men. What kind of shoes does she wear, you ask? Ones like these.

• Have you seen Wordplay? Larry gave it to me for Christmas, uh, last year, and we watched it yesterday. I admire everything about the crossword puzzlers of the world, especially the fact that their brains appear to be very sharp and pointy, like a pencil, whereas mine is round and fuzzy, like a Q-Tip.

There are many ways a cat can express his discontent — my old cat Tom, for example, was fond of spraying — but I have to hand it to Pete. When he is pissed off, he poops in Larry’s tub. Not just in the tub, friends! But in the drain. He aligns his little kitty butt just so and poops into the drain, which means that Larry then flies into a rage and is forced to fish cat turds out of the pipes while I try really hard not to laugh.

Larry has been working on fixing the windowsill in that bathroom (why did the homebuilders of 1947 put windows in the tiled bathtub area, only to rot years later? discuss) so he isn’t showering in there right now. Last night it occured to us that we should put something over the drain so at least if he poops in the tub again at least there will be no fishing expedition. (Admittedly, this thought came to us rather late in the cat-poops-in-drain-repeatedly game.)

So, I ask you: what would you put over the drain to prevent your cat from depositing turds in there?

We used a jar of marshmallow creme.

Hello there, and welcome to 2008!

I hope you all had good holidays free from the burden of holiday mucus. I was not so lucky, but the mucus and I, we are slowly coming to an understanding. Don’t you just love the word “mucus”? It says it all. MUCUS.

Larry and I spent Christmas in Memphis with his parents, then spent New Year’s watching tv and drinking bourbon and Cokes (one of us did that — the other drank some weird French sparkling blueberry lemonade that smelled utterly unlike blueberries or lemonade or even anything that sparkled). Then we went to bed at 10:30. Party on, Larry! Party on, Sally.

The only news I have would be interesting to you if you happened to live in my house — Larry finished the shed! And now all his tools have moved out of the laundry room! Yeah! — so basically I have nothing to report…

…except that we found out a while ago that we’re having a boy! I really wanted it to be a boy so I could avoid all that princess stuff. And man: is he ever a boy. Do you know what boy babies do in utero? They play with their little fetal penises all day long. I have seen it with my own eyes. Spike (as we are calling him) was very busy in there playing with his toy. I have a new understanding of why men are obsessed with their weiners now — it starts very, very early.

Best breakfast ever:

Cream cheese Toaster Strudel brand frozen pastry (1)
Bowl of macaroni and cheese (1)
Pineapple (3 bites)

In other news, that dress you made? Looks like a coffee filter. Or a maxi pad. That’s what I hear, anyway. (Dudes: best Project Runway challenge ever!)