31 Oct 2007

Happy Halloween!

Written by sally @ 6:32 am — Section: sally

lonely goatherd.jpg

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30 Oct 2007

Eight Exciting Things I Have Seen or Heard Lately!

Written by sally @ 9:16 am — Section: sally

Vanity tags! Weirdos! Giant trophies! (more…)

25 Oct 2007

MRFLN = NUTZ.

Written by sally @ 9:51 am — Section: sally

Mr. Floon called Mrs. Floon this morning to report a hilarious car tag he saw on a Mustang. Only Mrs. Floon didn’t get it, and then Mr. Floon got mad, and I don’t get it either, so here it is:

VNMS8L

Uh, what? Internet, please help.

Speaking of the Floons, Larry and I had this conversation yesterday:

Me: Henry got his balls cut off today.
Larry: …
Me: Uh, Henry is my mother’s kitten.
Larry: Ohhh. I was trying to figure out which Floon twin that was.

And speaking of Henry, apparently he tried to escape the cage he was in at the vet’s last night and somehow got his arm caught. The vet is worried about nerve damage and told my mother that there’s a possibility they’ll have to amputate his kitty arm. If you know my mother at all, you can imagine how well this went over. However, Henry is a very spirited fellow — a few months ago he managed to a) knock some washcloths into the bathroom sink to stop it up and then b) turn on the faucet, resulting in c) a flooded bathroom — so even if he does turn out to be three-legged, I’m sure he’ll figure out a way to use his good arm to set the house on fire or something.

23 Oct 2007

Gun Control.

Written by sally @ 9:49 am — Section: sally

I had a dream last night that there were two guns pointed at my head. Then they turned into rolled up corn tortillas, and so I ate them.

22 Oct 2007

Nugga Lamma Ding Dong.

Written by sally @ 11:01 am — Section: Uncategorized

• Is anyone watching Mad Men? Did you see the season finale? Did you see the part where Peggy has been getting chunky throughout the season and then the part where she had a stomachache and went to the doctor and ended up WITH A BABY? Horrible, awful Pete’s baby? I can’t stop thinking about it. I really wish someone else watched this show besides me. Larry can only hear me say “I can’t believe Peggy had a baby!” so many times.

Top Model: so far, my favorites are Heather (duh) and Lisa and Sarah. Jenah and I are not speaking due to her unspeakable weave, but she takes great photos. I am gunning for Chantal and/or Bianca to get the axe next.

Dear The Office: I am very glad you’re moving back to 30-minute episodes this week. I love you, but it turns out it’s conditional.

• Quiz–Which One of These Soft Rock Easy Favorites Did I Download This Weekend?

a) “How Deep Is Your Love” by the Bee Gees
b) “I’d Really Like to See You Tonight” by England Dan and John Ford Coley
c) “Everything I Own” by Bread
d) “All Out of Love” by Air Supply

• I did not wrap Christmas presents this weekend, but I did make a pan of the most delicious brownies known to man. First, get a box of brownie mix. Once everything is mixed, dump in about a teaspoon of peppermint extract. Then, once the batter is in the pan, sprinkle old mint swirl chips that you found in your pantry from last Christmas on top. Bake, and enjoy the minty smells as they waft through your house. Later, experience minty fudgy goodness and marvel at your baking skills.

• Oh, and speaking of food, we are once again friends! Reunited and it feels so good, etc. Goodbye, nausea. I hope we have broken up for good.

19 Oct 2007

Things That Will Not Interest You. BELIEVE ME.

Written by sally @ 3:15 pm — Section: sally

1. I got a haircut yesterday. I like to let my hair look as horrid as possible the day I get my hair cut so that it will look all that much better when I leave the salon, and man: I outdid myself yesterday. It was Nolte-esque.
2. I have done a good deal of Christmas shopping already and this weekend, I plan to plunge further into the abyss of insanity and actually start wrapping them. I know. You don’t have to say it.
3. Can you think of a good reason that a white van would back into your neighbor’s driveway, then 5-10 minutes later, drive away? What about if they came back and backed into the driveway, then left 5-10 minutes later again? What if they came back at least 5 times within an hour? Would you feel guilty that you didn’t get up and write down their license plate just in case they were some sort of bizarrely confident late afternoon thieves? (Later, when you were taking a shower and the cat decided to jump on top of the dresser and knock everything off, would you imagine that the White Van Killers were in your house, methodically working their way down the street? No? Ha ha! Me either.)
4. My coworker has been repeatedly telling me about this horrible casserole her mother made when she was little (she ate a bite, then threw up on her plate). These are the ingredients:
–chicken
–cream of mushroom soup
–chunks of mushy biscuit dough throughout, not on top
–hard boiled eggs

18 Oct 2007

Open Letters to Those Who Have Offended Me.

Written by sally @ 1:49 pm — Section: sally

Dear Lady Who Got in Her Car at the Pizza Shack, Shifted into Reverse, and Then Just Sat There,

If you were going to sit there, maybe you shouldn’t have put your car in reverse. Those little white tail lights indicated to me that I wasn’t going to have to park down the street in the rain.

Whatever,
Sally

Dear Man in Car Who Made a Big Show of Overswerving to Get Around Me and then Honked While I Was Waiting for the Lady Who Got in Her Car at the Pizza Shack, Shifted Into Reverse, and Then Just Sat There,

I was totally out of your lane. Also, nobody thinks you’re cool.

Get a life,
Sally

Dear Nurse Who Left a Fresh Gown on the Examination Table After Replacing the Protective Germ-Barrier Paper Thingie,

Thanks for leaving that gown on the table! Usually when nurses leave those out, it’s code for “hey patient, get naked and put this on.” Oh, but get this, I didn’t need to get naked. So when the doctor came in, I looked like a nut. Thanks!!

No really, thanks!!!!
Sally

Dear Person Who Called Today and Asked What It Means When Your Computer Says to Shut it Down So That It Can Download Some Updates,

It means you’re supposed to shut the computer down so it can download some updates.

I hate you,
Sally

16 Oct 2007

Overheard in Crazytown: Same Weird Man Edition.

Written by sally @ 1:09 pm — Section: sally

Overheard in a Car I Was Riding In Today:

Woman: Who owns that building?
Weird Man: Well, I was looking at the tax rolls, and I don’t mean to be prejudiced,* but the owner had…well…a funny sounding name.
Me: (had been ignoring conversation, but now perks up and waits to hear what ethnic group is about to be slandered; predicts a Middle Eastern-sounding name)
Woman: Really?
Weird Man: Yes. It was an Italian name. Like Carducci or Carlucci.
Woman: Oh no!
Weird Man: Yep, the mob’s moving to town!
Me: (to self) OMG.

*If you say this, you might as well wear a t-shirt that says BTW I AM SO PREJUDICED.

Overheard in an Art Gallery Where Someone Has Given the Group I’m With a Tour:

Gallery owner: (has just finished giving detailed information on art, art-esque stuff, art techniques, art acquisitions, art cetera) Any questions?
Weird Man: So, what kind of floors are these?

11 Oct 2007

I Think I Mentioned I’ve Been on a Boring Streak.

Written by sally @ 12:22 pm — Section: sally

Top Model: how rad would it be if, before each makeover episode each cycle, Tyra watched the tapes of how the girls interact, chose the most annoying one, and then, told her “We’re going to give you big, beautiful Beyonce hair! Wait, no, sorry, wow, your hair is really damaged. Ho ho, now we’re going to shave your head!” Because I want that moment to happen in the future. And in the past. Also, if Tyra could smack Chantal down that would be awesome.

Also, did y’all see the Top Chef reunion show? Do you really, really want to make out with CJ now? Speaking of reunions, why did no one alert me to the Rock of Love reunion? Thanks, assholes.

This morning my boss called at 6:30 to announce that our building was without power and that we didn’t have to come in until 10. Woo hoo! Back to bed I went with a cup of tea, a book (Ellen Douglas’s A Family’s Affairs), and a dog. Then she called again at 8:30 and said, “Power’s back on! You can come to work now!” Way to ruin my morning.

P.S. Also, there’s this. I am in such awesome company! Carol Channing and I can totally trade undergarments.

10 Oct 2007

PG FAQ.

Written by sally @ 2:48 pm — Section: sally

Wow, thanks for all the well-wishes and internet squealing. I should announce my pregnancy, like, every day.

Here are the questions that everyone has asked me so far: (more…)

8 Oct 2007

Les Nuggettes.

Written by sally @ 8:46 pm — Section: Uncategorized

• Vanity tags:

DOUCGOD
FRIED

Might be the best combo of all time. An almost Massengill-related religious tag and FRIED — on a motorcycle, no less.

• Remember the meeting I was dreading last week? Apparently worrying about things to the extent that you do not consider that things can go smoothly is the way to go, as the meeting was a dream. A dream, I tell you! There was no train whistle syndrome — I spoke, and people responded as if they had heard what I said — and I only sweated one bucket’s worth instead of the four buckets’ worth I had planned on. Plus, there were cookies. Success!

• TV update: did anyone watch Pushing Daisies? If so, are you in love? Did you find it adorable and charming? Do you yearn to know a 4’11” lady named Olive Snook? The rest of the series may turn into a Wizard of Oz-inspired Murder She Wrote, but damn. That first episode was one of the sweetest things ever.

I don’t know if you were aware of this or not, but my BFF Law and Order: Criminal Intent got booted from NBC and is now housed on USA. I am pleased to report that the formula of evil genius commits crime while wearing rare Bolivian tennis shoes, crime is solved by Detective Goren who, incidentally, spent a summer in Bolivia working at the tennis shoe factory is intact.

• Also, internet, I have been keeping something from you. It appears that I am pregnant. You know, with a baby. At least we think it’s a baby. The sonogram looked like a baby, but I had a dream it was twin kittens, so that possibility is still up in the air. I’m telling you this because I can no longer keep the nausea/vomit talk to myself. Congratulations, internet! You’re going to be an aunt/uncle!

3 Oct 2007

I Love You (But You’re Boring).

Written by sally @ 10:38 am — Section: Uncategorized

1. I am currently plagued by a person who calls me at least 8-10 times a day and announces things like “I just ate ramen noodles!” or “A wasp just tried to sting me!” Usually I take those lemons and turn them into freak-laden lemonade, but this person is ON MY NERVES.

2. I’m reading The Dud Avocado by Elaine Dundy right now.

3. The TV networks have conspired against me and have made Mondays and Tuesdays a vast wasteland, whereas Wednesdays and Thursdays are chock full o’ shows. Why is this? Also: as a person who watches Grey’s Anatomy in the guest room with the door closed as to avoid feline/canine/human interruptions and also to get my cry on, I was very excited about Private Practice. Until I saw Kate Walsh dance naked on the commercial 800 times, and then I saw her dance naked on the actual show, and then the show turned out to be assuming that since we love George and Izzie and Christina and Meredith, well then we’re SURE to love the middle-aged doctors of Private Practice, only I did not love them because I just met them, and now I feel gypped, and my prediction is that Addison will be arriving back in Seattle to perform experimental neo-natal surgery in a few months.

4. I am headed to Birmingham tomorrow for a meeting I am DREADING on Friday. Have you ever been involved in a project where the other people involved think you’re an idiot? When you speak, do people pause politely, as if hearing the winsome sound of a far-off train whistle, then resume the conversation as if you said nothing at all? Yes. This is awesome. My goal is to merely exist long enough to get through the meeting. However, Mrs. Floon has promised me Ro-tel Thursday night, so all is well.

5. I told you this was going to be boring.

1 Oct 2007

Whirlwind DC Trip #2967.

Written by sally @ 12:06 pm — Section: sally

Greetings. I have been away.

I was in DC this weekend for an exciting event wherein I stood in a dusty tent for ten hours and gave free stuff to people. Then I walked 1,000 blocks and looked at stuff. Then my flight back last night was delayed for three hours and now I am whiny and tired. However, there are highlights:

1. The lady who told me she’d been reading a lot of southern authors lately and what she was so surprised at was how rich and varied their vocabularies were. It was almost like these authors — Welty, Faulkner — had read a lot of books! But how did they have access to books? What’s that you say, libraries? The south had libraries? You mean statewide? Still? Were they segregated then? Well, what about today?

2. The man who proudly told us that he was teaching his son the capitals of all the states, and how his son already knew that Memphis was the capital of Mississippi.

3. The infomercial I saw for an amazing colon-clearing product. Did you know that when you feel tired or get a headache or have a rash, that’s a result of old rotten stuff sitting in your colon? Me either! I have much more to say about the colon and its power to create rashes and headaches, but I fear I will gross you out. Call me if you need more information.