26 Sep 2007

Another List.

Written by sally @ 8:10 pm — Section: Uncategorized

Why ANTM Might Be the Best Show Ever, in Terms of Pain, Sorrow, and Hilarity, Episode 2 Edition:

1. The part when Ms. J said that Mila looked like she was being propelled sideways by the force of a fart in her picture.

2. Ebony’s snot.

Holla!

25 Sep 2007

J’adore Franglais! Three Frenchish Stories.

Written by sally @ 9:45 am — Section: Uncategorized

Yesterday as I was driving home this story popped in my head: my last semester of college my friend Jennifer and I were studying for our French final and we decided that we would only speak in French during our study session. We were doing pretty good — bad French is waaaay more fun than accurate, precise French — and then I remembered that my mother had made me some peanut butter fudge.

–Tu voudrait les bonbons? Uh, uh, le fudge? Le beurre something?
–Oui, oui! J’adore le fudge or whatever. Wait: is “beurre” beer?
–Non, c’est biere. Beurre is butter. Like le nut de pea beurre.

Then I opened the box of fudge, and it was full of ants, and we both started screaming and grabbing for our French dictionary, hoping to be the first to find the word. I think she won, because I can clearly recall her hollering LES FOURMIS OH MY GOD I MEAN MON DIEU LES FOURMIS.

Speaking of bad French, xyz and I used to instant message our way through our respective cubical jobs in our respective states, and we too adhered to the mostly French rule. Does it surprise you that the word “saucisson” was used liberally?

One more story about French, which also coincides with the state fair: my first boyfriend in 10th grade went to the Texas State Fair with me and my parents. While there, we were confronted by a man in a giant pickle costume giving away pickle pins and also a booth where an Asian man was selling little fuzzy chickens made of pom-poms and that had twisty wire legs. (They were four for a dollar, so we bought four [two brown, two yellow] and split them.) Two weeks later he gave me a note that had two appalling things in it: one, my name, MISSPELLED, and two, his declaration of love. Therefore, I broke up with him, and the next day, he waltzed into our French class wearing the following:

1. The outfit he wore on our first date.
2. The pickle pin.
3. BOTH THE BROWN AND YELLOW CHICKENS SOMEHOW TWISTED ON TO HIS COLLAR WITH THEIR LITTLE TWISTY WIRE CHICKEN LEGS.

I sometimes wish that I had already become the person I am now when I was 15, because today I would totally high-five him and make out with him immediately, while then I turned beet red and tried to will myself dead out of embarrassment. As if anyone in our class knew what those twisty chicken legs meant! Come on, Sally, loosen up and enjoy the hilarious and pathetic teenage gesture! I mean, it’s little twisty jambes du poulet. If that isn’t tres bon, I don’t know what is.

20 Sep 2007

A List.

Written by sally @ 9:35 am — Section: Uncategorized

Why I Will Continue to Watch ANTM Until At Least Cycle 700, Which Will Undoubtedly Be Held In Space And/Or Underwater:

1. “Can I just, like, touch the hem of your garment, girl?”
2. Contestant (eliminated) named Spontaniouse.

19 Sep 2007

An Ode, A Visual Sonnet.

Written by sally @ 3:19 pm — Section: Uncategorized

If you love Ty-Ty, click here.

McCrazy’s 14.

Written by sally @ 8:57 am — Section: Uncategorized

If you happened to be watching the 10:00 WLBT news last night — and let’s face it, who wasn’t? — and happened to see the story about how someone slashed the throat of a McDade’s 14 employee yesterday with a “cutting instrument,” you also saw footage of me and my exposed throat blindly walking into said store. (I was the one in the pink shirt with the idea that my neighborhood grocery store is a safe place to go.)

Here’s the rest of the story.

I was also there on Sunday when a man threw a hissy fit in the parking lot and parked his car in the middle of the row, got out, and threw his keys on the ground while yelling at the security guard. Then he apparently recovered and went inside and did his grocery shopping for the week. I kept my eye on him and because of this, I can tell you that his shopping list included the following:

–fish
–milk
–roses

17 Sep 2007

Brother, Can You Spare a Nugget?

Written by sally @ 3:15 pm — Section: Uncategorized

Five things for Monday.

1. I went to a new dentist on Saturday (I know! Saturday teeth cleaning!) and apparently I have exceptionally clean teeth. The hygienist complained that there was little to scrape off. Let me tell you: I have never had this experience before, so it must mean that the Sonicare toothbrush I’ve been using for the past 9 months is kicking plaque’s ass. (I have the cheapest one, so if you’re in the market, please know that it works great.)

2. It’s not a vanity tag, but I saw this in a fancy script on someone’s back window the other day:

Show Nough
Willie C.

3. Rock of Love, dudes. I can’t even say that last night’s episode was awesome because I was too busy spraying myself with a fire extinguisher after I burst into flames out of embarrassment. First off, ladies, do not let your dad wear a peach short-sleeved mock turtleneck, especially if he is going to be appearing on television. Also, refrain from being in situations where someone might tell your dad you gave Bret Michaels a blow job. Also, refrain from having a dad who will then WALK UP TO BRET MICHAELS AND ASK HIM ABOUT THE BLOW JOB YOU GAVE HIM. I know you can’t choose your parents, but maybe if your dad is gross and weird and is going to be on tv, you could hire a nice actor instead.

4. Pete Drug Report: there is still relative peace in the valley (if you ignore one errant turding incident), and this morning, Pete and Lulu were caught sleeping together on her bed. You couldn’t call it cuddling or nestling, but there was a cat and a dog sleeping within inches of each other and nobody was crying or bleeding, so I consider that a huge victory.

5. Did you know that America’s Next Top Model starts this week? I would be more excited except I read that this season the whole gang is on a cruise ship. It reeks of that dreadful “semester at sea” season of Road Rules (you know, the season where I stopped watching Road Rules). Ty-Ty, you better have chosen some crazy beer-throwing-on-weave bitches to make it up to me.

13 Sep 2007

It Ain’t Me, Nugget.

Written by sally @ 10:25 am — Section: Uncategorized

In which I discuss Pete’s personality change, last night’s Top Chef, this week’s Rock of Love, and a vanity tag. (more…)

10 Sep 2007

Mailbag!

Written by sally @ 10:02 am — Section: Uncategorized

Dear Special Topics in Calamity Physics,

I’m sorry I said I wasn’t going to finish you and that your incessant references were irritating. While I still think you took an awfully long time (450 pages!) to set up what essentially happens in the last 50 pages, the pay off was pretty good, and overall I enjoyed you. I still think your references lost their charm (I just skipped most of them after about halfway through) but you rocked a great conceit and that I cannot deny. However, have you read Donna Tartt’s The Secret History? I thought so.

Your friend,
Sally

Dear Plaid Fedora-Wearing Sixteen-Year-Old Boy at Sushi Restaurant,

We saw you and your friends come in and knew you were trouble. One of your friends, a mousy brown-haired girl, was wearing fake fronts. Then you were seated so I could stare right at you, and I saw you drink soy sauce directly out of the vial on the table. Then when the cute lady with the great haircut came around with steamy hot washcloths, your friend used his to wipe his armpits. I cannot express how much I hate you. So much that as we were leaving, I told the girl at the front that you put your mouth on the soy sauce and she was ENRAGED. She said, “The one in the plaid hat?” and then angrily, “I’ll take care of it.” She was headed to your table as we left. I hope you got kicked out. I wouldn’t know if you did or not because even though I am 34 and supposedly a grown up, telling on a group of ruffians (even lame ones in plaid hats and fake fronts) makes me nervous.

See ya at Hinds,
Sally

Dear Man I Saw This Weekend,

Fabulous man! Who would’ve thought to wear a blue-striped seersucker suit with a similar blue-striped shirt? All those stripes really brought out your greying Prince Valiant haircut (swingy bob, neat bangs). And when you opened your mouth, the distinctive sounds of a gay Southern accent came tumbling out. All I can say is, thank you. I was eating lunch with people I didn’t know very well and you were a pleasant distraction.

Your #1 fan,
Sally

7 Sep 2007

“Actually, Asshole, Big Girls Do Cry.”

Written by sally @ 4:01 pm — Section: Uncategorized

I don’t know if you all hate the Fergie song “Big Girls Don’t Cry” as much as I do — get this: at the Concert for Diana, Fergie said, “This song is about hope. I’d like to dedicate it to Diana,” thus making everyone, including the ghost of Diana, vomit — but apparently Rich at Four Four does as well, as evidenced by this great post, which includes this golden sentence:

Actually, asshole, big girls do cry — it’s just that most big girls haven’t had extensive Botox and/or plastic surgery to fix their methfaces, and thus still have full use of tear ducts.

(Bonus points for this, from his post Justin Timberlake, Douchebag: “And god, what a douchebag he is. His middle name is Massengil. Instead of a nose, he has a nozzle.”)

6 Sep 2007

Loop-de-Loop.

Written by sally @ 12:28 pm — Section: sally

In a meeting yesterday, someone was telling a story about an irate coworker who was getting increasingly angrier and angrier. Then, she said, he got cursive with me.

5 Sep 2007

Catching Up.

Written by sally @ 4:16 pm — Section: sally

Hello, internets. How I have missed you. (more…)