30 Jul 2007

Flannery O’Connor Alert! Livingston, Alabama Edition.

Written by sally @ 12:53 pm — Section: Uncategorized

I wasn’t going to tell you this story because it features a turd, but I figure if I alert you ahead of time, those of you who are turd-averse can opt out now. (more…)

25 Jul 2007

Things I Have Seen Lately.

Written by sally @ 10:55 am — Section: sally

1. A lady at a pizza buffet who picked up individual slices with her bare hands instead of with the provided implement, who licked her fingers noisily, and who then picked up more slices.
2. That video of the cat who says, “Oh don piaaaaaaaaano.” (Tip: watch over and over.)
3. Some children who were playing with a couple of large, spongey, sprung-up-after-a-lot-of-rain mushrooms.
4. A moving van totally destroyed and the contents of someone’s home strewn across a highway median.
5. Cat vomit in the shape of a question mark.
6. “The Singing Bee,” which surprisingly has very little singing. What it does have: togetherness and enthusiasm. Seriously, there is a lot of hugging and dancing between contestants. I am suspicious.
7. “Rock of Love with Bret Michaels.” People: are you watching this? There is really no need to, since Rich of Four Four is recapping the show on VH1’s blog. But if you are not convinced, perhaps you will enjoy this week’s episode, which features a phone sex contest wherein Bret Michaels wears a device around his weiner to gauge his erection.

24 Jul 2007

Customer Needs SERIOUS Assistance on Aisle 4.

Written by sally @ 2:20 pm — Section: sally

I might’ve mentioned before that people in stores often ask me questions, like where the cheese is, or if I know how to cook lentils, or which can of orange spray paint looks most like the color of a pumpkin. But a few weeks ago I got my all-time favorite store request. What I love about it is that it’s not even a question; it’s just a hanging statement…a bizarre, hanging statement. An old man turned to me in the eye-care aisle and said:

My wife needs pantiliners. The kind in the purple box.

23 Jul 2007

Morrissey + Me = Screaming. LOTS OF SCREAMING.

Written by sally @ 10:30 am — Section: sally

I saw Morrissey last Thursday! You know, at a concert. Not like walking around. But still, it was, in a word, oh-some. (more…)

18 Jul 2007

Three Things Sort of Linked Together by the Radio.

Written by sally @ 2:30 pm — Section: Uncategorized

1. “Bette Davis Eyes” came on the radio yesterday while I was at lunch and the dj said that it was number one for 9 weeks in 1981. I tried to listen to it as if I’d never heard it before to see if I could identify the source of its popularity (this is a fun game and also a great justification to listen to cruddy songs, especially if you get caught: “I was studying the subtle subtext of this Bread song. Not enjoying it at all. I promise.”). I was a little intrigued not by Kim Carnes’ gravelly voice, but by her just plain bizarre inflections. It’s like a gentler, kinder version of Tourette’s Syndrome with a wee bit of not-invented-yet uptalking.

My favorite part was the growly, muppety way she said “precocious.” Kind of like she was that Amy Poehler SNL character Kaitlin (“Rick! Rick! Rick! Rick!”) if Kaitlin routinely sang songs about ladies who know what it takes to make a pro blush.

2. On the way home from work I heard “Every Breath You Take” — I always get tricked into thinking it’s going to be “I’ll Be Missing You” instead of the original, and then I am let down — and I convinced myself that if you strain your ears a little, it sounds like he’s saying “I’ll be washing you.” I can’t believe, in the spirit of Crumbelievable, that no soap executive has picked up on this.

3. Speaking of pop songs, I think I’ve linked to these before, but have you people read John Moe’s Pop Song Correspondences? They are all exquisite in their own way, but this one and this one are my favorites.

17 Jul 2007

Mmm, Kraft Shingles.

Written by sally @ 7:45 pm — Section: sally

Internet, there’s something I need to tell you. It’s about Larry. He’s got a shingle. (more…)

16 Jul 2007

Sunday Tally.

Written by sally @ 12:24 pm — Section: sally

Woke up Sunday, stretched in an apparently incorrect way, and immediately got a crick — if by “crick” you mean “an eerily cold, knifelike pain” — running down the top half of my spine.
Sally: 0
Universe: 1

Ate a croissant filled with ham, egg, and cheese for breakfast.
Sally: 1
Universe: 1

On the way home from breakfast, Larry hit a bump, causing coffee to jump out of cup and onto the entire right half of my sweater.
Sally: 1
Universe: 2

While doing laundry, apparently did not open washer lid all the way; lid fell on head.
Sally: 1
Universe: 3

In between doing 80 loads of laundry, watched three episodes of Freaks and Geeks. And, ok, Pretty Woman.
Sally: 2
Universe: 3

Ate Krystals for dinner.
Sally: 3
Universe: 3

Update: have you ever used a heating pad at work? If so, then you know that I look absolutely ridiculous today. Right now I am scrunched down with my head propped up on the back of my chair to fully maximize heated goodness. I look like one of those dudes who leans his seat waaaaaaay back in his car to look cool. Only neither one of us looks cool.

11 Jul 2007

Yawn, Ho Hum.

Written by sally @ 11:22 am — Section: Uncategorized

Did y’all hear about “This American Lie“? It’s an article by Alex Heard that appeared last March in the New Republic that attempts to suck every drop of hilarity and fun out of David Sedaris by pointing out that he’s a big exaggerator and omg some of the things he writes about are just not true.

I think it’s fairly hilarious that this article attempted to make Sedaris into James Frey, but that…gasp!…no one cared. No one cares if David Sedaris makes stuff up! James Frey’s intention was different than Sedaris’s.

Frey: I travelled through hell and I survived!
Sedaris: I am weird, and so are the people around me.
Frey: The human spirit can overcome!
Sedaris: I have a brother who curses a lot.
Frey: I found the strength to take responsibility for my life!
Sedaris: I cannot speak French.

I read the article months ago, but I was reminded of it when I read “This Old House” from this week’s New Yorker. Every time, I mean EVERY SINGLE TIME a new character is introduced, Sedaris says “I’ll call her ______” or “I’ll say that her name was ______.” And then near the end, he writes this: “When I’d tell people about this later, they’d say, ‘Oh, come on,’ because it was all too much, really” (47). At first I thought, aw, he’s having to protect himself, and then I changed my mind and decided that he was essentially saying, Fuck off, fact checkers! Bite my elfin ass!

I guess it’s a double standard, but maybe if James Frey wrote more things like this line from “This Old House,” no one would’ve cared that he made shit up, too:

This was in August, and I was lying on my floor, making a sweat angel (46).

Think about it, James.

9 Jul 2007

Jerry DeLaughter, Journalistic Genius.

Written by sally @ 9:53 am — Section: Uncategorized

From “Artists Are Helping Restore Old Capitol” by Jerry DeLaughter, Jackson Daily News, March 13, 1960:

Giulano, a talkative Italian, takes tremendous pride in his pride-worthy work. He’s set up his studio (“Pliza don’t call him a shop. Itza stoojoh!”) behind the Old Capitol, and there goes through each delicate step to form the pieces to be used. … Another member of the team who deserves to be called an artist is N.L. McGee. This short, soft-spoken gentleman must take the things Giulano produces and see that they are properly painted….McGee takes a brush, sweeps it across his thinning hair a few times to build up static electricity, then lifts the gold leaf magnetically with the brush.

In the span of a few paragraphs Mr. DeLaughter has captured my heart. Not only does he pen the awesome line “takes tremendous pride in his pride-worthy work,” but he points out that Italians talk funny and that N.L. McGee is short and bald. In the accompanying photo, N.L. McGee appears to be a bit chubby, and you know Jerry DeLaughter was pissed he couldn’t work that in, too.

Bonus: in unrelated news, in the same folder I found a picture of someone named Loyal M. Bearss.

6 Jul 2007

I Once Was Blind.

Written by sally @ 10:54 am — Section: sally

Yesterday, I went to a new eye doctor (who had a sign in his window that said COME HERE FOR SPASM-FREE VISION) to get fitted for contacts. While he was an Opto, he was highly recommended by my Optha, who apparently told him that I was high-strung, high-maintenance, and prone to screeching, because he treated me like I was nuts and/or the queen. He explained every move he made in a soothing, hypnosis-inducing voice, and in his kind way he badmouthed my previous Opto, the one who apparently gave me contacts for people with severe astigmatism even though one eye is mildly astigmatic and the other HAS NO ASTIGMATISM AT ALL. (more…)

3 Jul 2007

Gone with the Nugget.

Written by sally @ 9:06 am — Section: Uncategorized

I have a Discover gift card that has $1.66 on it. What the heck am I going to buy for $1.66 or under? I think even at the Dollar Tree you have to spend $5 to use a credit card. I do not want my precious $1.66 going to waste. Think, people, think. (more…)