30 May 2007

C.O. Redux.

Written by sally @ 7:40 pm — Section: Uncategorized

The kittens my mother found are about three weeks old. Prepare yourselves. Seriously. (more…)

Could Be Why No One Tells Me Anything Around Here.

Written by sally @ 9:33 am — Section: Uncategorized

Coworker: You know how Crazy Betty keeps coming back up here?
Me: Yes.
Coworker: Well, every time she does, she makes a point of ignoring Barbara.
Me: She’s lucky. Crazy Betty is crazy.
Coworker: Well, Jimmy said that Crazy Betty thinks that Barbara told everyone that she got fired.
Me: Crazy Betty did get fired.
Coworker: Well, yeah, but Crazy Betty is mad because Barbara told everyone.
Me: But she did get fired!
Coworker: I know. But Crazy Betty —
Me: We all saw her pack her stuff in a cardboard box and then we all saw her leave!
Coworker: I know, but Crazy Betty —
Me: OH MY GOD THAT WAS OVER A YEAR AGO.
Coworker: (sighs) Are you done?
Me: Yes.
Coworker: So anyway, she hates Barbara, and today she was up here and they almost got into it!
Me: You know what?
Coworker: What?
Me: Crazy Betty got fired.

29 May 2007

Whorecake.

Written by sally @ 9:30 am — Section: sally

Last night Gorjus was filling me in on various pieces of gossip he’d acquired at one of the five parties he went to this weekend, and when he was done all I had to say was, “I only have one piece of gossip, and that is that Martha Stewart is a whore.” (more…)

25 May 2007

Lulu + Pete = Not Love, Exactly, More Like Tolerance.

Written by sally @ 10:38 am — Section: Uncategorized

I always wanted a cat and dog that would curl up and nap together on the couch so that I could take their picture and sell it to Scholastic and then they could make a poster to sell for $.50 to small children who didn’t know any better. However, Pete and Lulu do not nap together. They might share space on our bed if there is also a human there to mediate, but there is no interspecies snuggling. (more…)

23 May 2007

Nuggalamadingdong.

Written by sally @ 10:25 am — Section: Uncategorized

• I’m almost finished with The Yiddish Policemen’s Union, and about a hundred pages ago a character was introduced with a flair for cursing. This character, if he were several years older, would be played by Tommy Lee Jones in the movie version. At one point he says — and this is my new favorite expression — that there is an “ass point two percent chance” of something happening. Ass point two percent! Love. (more…)

21 May 2007

Who Ya Gonna Call?

Written by sally @ 4:27 pm — Section: Uncategorized

Sometimes life presents complicated situations that are difficult to figure out. For example, what if you find yourself in jail? And you’re in a town where the only person you know is your estranged wife? And you know she’s going to be pissed to get your call because you’ve been refusing to sign those divorce papers?

I have a solution for you. (more…)

18 May 2007

Things: Three Lists.

Written by sally @ 2:16 pm — Section: Uncategorized

Things I Have Heard People Say in Various Meetings The Past Two Days:

• “creativitiness”
• “room” pronounced like “rum,” as in We will reserve a block of rums in the hotel.
• “And then my mama told me I needed a haircut.”

Things I Heard Someone Say at McDonald’s Today (Shut Up, Sometimes McDonald’s is Awesome and You Know It)

Man: (approaches counter with a cheeseburger in hand) Excuse me, what usually comes on a cheeseburger?
McD: (monotone, mouth kind of hanging open) Uh, pickle, onion, ketchup —
Man: (interrupting, victorious) WHAT ABOUT MEAT? IS MEAT INCLUDED? CAUSE I DIDN’T GET ANY MEAT.
McD: (totally unaffected by man’s apparent belief that he is awesome) Let me get you another.
(1.5 seconds later)
McD: Here you go.
Man: (dejected his performance did not inspire anything but a replacement cheeseburger) Thanks.

Things I Hope to Say to Myself Later This Weekend:

• “That was an awesome 2-hour nap!”
• “I can’t believe I found such cute shoes for 90% off!”
• “Look! Chocolate chip cookies have magically appeared in my oven!”

17 May 2007

Dear [Insert Show Here].

Written by sally @ 10:02 am — Section: Uncategorized

Letters to television shows! Yet again! (more…)

15 May 2007

Save the Incredibly Smug Cheerleader, Save the World.

Written by sally @ 1:32 pm — Section: Uncategorized

I know you’ve all been dying for another installment of photos from my 8th grade class picture, so worry not! The update is here. (more…)

14 May 2007

Who’s There? Dumb Jokes.

Written by sally @ 2:56 pm — Section: Uncategorized

I just came across this knock-knock joke while doing some research:

–Knock knock.
–Who’s there?
–Santa.
–Santa who?
–Centipede on the Christmas tree.

It doesn’t quite work, and thus intrigues me. It does not, however, trump this, the best knock-knock joke of all time:

–Knock knock.
–Who’s there?
–I eat mop.
–I eat mop who?
(laughter)

Overheard in Jackson.

Written by sally @ 8:32 am — Section: Uncategorized

(more…)

11 May 2007

Book Lust.

Written by sally @ 2:54 pm — Section: Uncategorized

I haven’t read as many books so far this year as I would’ve liked, but as of today I have no looming reading-based obligations guilting me into not reading for fun. Today I turned in the last recommendation for an author award committee I’m on, and tonight when I get home I’m going to snuggle with all the books I’ve been neglecting. I will stroke their covers and let the breeze from the fanning pages blow over me.

For weeks now the books have been jumping off the shelves and stacking themselves on my bedside table, where I look at them sadly, shake my head, and sigh as I turn another page in a book I don’t really want to read. Here’s what I have to choose from:

Jack’s Skillet: Plain Talk and Some Recipes from a Guy in the Kitchen by Jack Butler
The History of a Hoax by Wayne Wiegand*
Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close by Jonathan Safran Foer**
Memoir from Antproof Case by Mark Helprin
Notebooks by Tennesee Williams***
Travels with Myself and Another by Martha Gellhorn
The Yiddish Policeman’s Union by Michael Chabon

*Nerd book; has 71 pages.
**
I realize that I am officially the last person in the world to read this book.
***I have already done some preliminary page-stroking with this one. The paper is unbelievably creamy!

Whee!

Cuteness Overload.

Written by sally @ 9:14 am — Section: Uncategorized

Look what my mom found under the bushes in the front of her house yesterday: (more…)

9 May 2007

My Vanity Tag One Day: NUGETZ.

Written by sally @ 3:07 pm — Section: Uncategorized

More stupid vanity tags! Kool-aid pickles! The story of the Crispy Elf! (more…)

7 May 2007

Dirty Mind, For Reals.

Written by sally @ 4:29 pm — Section: sally

Awesomely awkward moment with my 25-year old brother-in-law over the weekend:

Zippy: I just discovered Prince!
Sally: That’s great. Prince is the man.
Zippy: Why didn’t anyone ever tell me? I mean, he’s the man.
Sally: I know! Even bad Prince is good Prince. Because it’s still Prince.
Zippy: “Let’s Go Crazy”? That’s a fucking awesome song.
Sally: Dude, I love “Dirty Mind.”
Zippy: I know! He’s the man!
Sally: And “If I Was Your Girlfriend”!
Zippy: What?
Sally: “If I Was Your Girlfriend.”
Zippy: Then what?
Sally: (pause)
Sally: Um, that’s the name of the song.

Next Page »