1. Today I wanted to go to Target during my lunch hour, but I also wanted to actually eat lunch. So I ate lunch at the Target snack bar. Does this make me a bad person? Discuss.

2. When someone is an asshole in traffic and flies by me, sometimes I think, I hope you die in a crash. Then I feel guilty, and think, what if this is the one moment my wishes are granted, and that person dies? Then I revise my statement to I hope you get seriously injured in a crash. Is this the sign of irreversable neurosis? Discuss.

3. Which is worse: getting directly sneezed on by a human, or eating dinner in an establishment that has a whole lot of cobwebs? Discuss.

• Vanity tags:

TRINITI
HAPK1DO
1QKPONY
SO SOFT
LP LUVJP
BUTGOD1
OBUTGOD
TELLHIM
(more…)

I am hott in internet cartoons. And I wear Kurt Cobain’s sweater.

So here is how it begins: I’m looking for an article from March 13, 1935 in the New York Times, page 40, column 4. It’s on microfilm, the medium I always dreaded and avoided but have turned out to love. Because newspaper pages are much bigger than my microfilm reader’s display, reading microfilm forces me to examine each page carefully. It’s like reading with a giant magnifying glass; you have to move it over every few inches to get the full story.

This always happens when I’m looking for something particular; along the way to page 40, column 4, I find plenty of tasty items. (more…)

Today has been a nothing day, just like Sunday should be. It would be hideously boring to list the things I did today, especially because if I were to compose such a list I would be compelled to tell you what all I ate, and then you would all know that I am a hog who ate something 8 chocolate chip cookies. But they were really good.

My brother Sam came through town last night on his way back to Texas from Florida, and we spent the evening eating pizza and chocolate chip cookie ice cream sandwiches, watching Madagascar (actually funny! I might’ve laughed in a couple of places!), and watching Pete and Lulu act a fool(s). Sam has this extra-special super-high-pitched crazy person voice he talks to animals in; it also might have a bit of a New Yawk accent as well. The evening was peppered with Hey, Petey! and LU-lu! in the voice of a Disney-created wisecracking sewer rat. Named Manny.

As I have been hearing this voice and many, many others my entire life, it didn’t even phase me; Larry, however, was delighted anew each time the Manny voice screeched out of Sam’s mouth.

Speaking of my entire life, I mentioned to my mother something about turning 33 this year, and she gasped and said, Wait a minute. Are you going to be 33? Oh my gaaaad. Awesome.

And in final news, I was ironing a moment ago and listening to the perfect Scud Mountain Boys album Massachusetts, and while my one true love Joe Pernice was singing, It builds me up to kill things that I love and I know you think I’m yellow for the tears I’ve cried and How come I get the feeling that part of me is dead? I thought to myself, you would be hard-pressed to find better ironing music on the planet.

(Lyrics are from “In a Ditch,” ‘Holy Ghost,” and “A Ride,” respectively.)

I never said I wasn’t white trash.

It’s new, by the way.

Today is Herman Rarebell’s birthday! Let us all celebrate by destroying our Planet of the Apes banks and buying him presents with the money we find inside!

Can you guess the subject of this picture? The first person to properly identify what in the hell this is gets a prize. No, really. A prize. I’ll mail it to you and everything. (more…)

• I keep getting messages from someone whose last name is Hoobler. I apologize if your last name is Hoobler, but man. That’s a funny last name. HOOBLER! (more…)

Yesterday doing a little work I came across a list of songs. One was called “Ho Hidin’ Place.” (more…)

Dear Sally,

I know you love actually going to the movies, because you’re forced to sit still during the embarrassing or nerve-wracking or uncomfortable parts that you would just walk away from or fast forward through if you were watching at home, but this is getting ridiculous. I know it’s not your fault about The Lake House — I know, I know, I heard you apologize enough times on the way home, in between the sputterings about the logic and the magic mailbox and how you could buy the magic mailbox but could not buy why, if Keanu knew where Sandra lived in 2004, he didn’t just go to her house already — but if you insist on dragging me to these things the least you could do is buy me some popcorn instead of sneaking in an old Kit-Kat. Cheapskate.

Thanks,
Sally’s Alter Ego, the One Who Does Not Choose the Movies

Don’t be jealous: not everyone can have a tiny chandelier and a cat in their bathroom.

Dear Britney,

I watched part of your interview with Matt Lauer last night, and I have a few suggestions for you. At heart, I think you are just a typical, silly Louisiana girl, which is unfortunate since most typical silly Louisiana girls do not have to go on television and talk to the press and then have fake letters written to them on blogs. But, still. I have a few pointers. (more…)

Ramona spins jury duty:

The exclusive privilege of consorting with the glamorous citizens of Chatham County, Georgia awaits you. Settle into the sumptuous decor lovingly designed in multiple shades of brown – so retro it’s ahead of its time. Indulge yourself with the fabulous expense account of $10 dollars, from a check made out to BEARER. Experience the full entertainment value offered with our state of the art film screening. Sample the delicacies of our world class menu, available in the chic lounge on the first floor. Appreciate the culture and soothing melodies of Kenny G music each time the attorneys approach the bench. Oh yes, this special opportunity cannot be missed!