1. This morning while I was blowdrying my hair, I accidentally picked up a hammer instead of my brush. What? They both have handles, although the hammer was, unsuprisingly, ineffective.
2. I braved Wal-Mart on Saturday and could have submitted several things to People of Wal-Mart had I been quick or clever enough. I saw a 6 year old with a very pronounced mohawk (I mean shaved bald on the sides; totally not a faux hawk) and a lady with maybe 30 tiny bubbles and stars tattooed on the backs of each calf.
3. I’m reading Almost There by Nuala O’Faolain, which might be the weirdest memoir ever. She wrote a bestselling memoir, Are You Somebody? and a novel, My Dream of You, and this memoir is a memoir of writing the first two books. It sounds incredibly boring, and in a way it is, but she has a very easy voice to read, and now I am almost finished. I was going to write “I am almost there HA HA HA” but decided against it.*
4. Larry and I went to Oxford last weekend to see David Sedaris. Guess what: he is small and hilarious.
5. In a discussion where I had just told her I thought her line of reasoning was weird (weird being the nicest word to describe “ABSOLUTELY EFFING INSANE” that I could summon), my friend told me not to cry. People: I wasn’t about to cry. Apparently my about-to-cry face is the same as my your-line-of-reasoning-is-absolutely-effing-insane face. Who knew?
6. I keep having the urge to write inappropriate things as my Facebook status, such as:
Sally Nordan just realized she only peed once today. It was true!
7. I have a large amount of Christmas shopping already completed.
8. Spike has this awesome new habit of saying “ow,” then pinching me or Larry.
9. We went to the state fair on Saturday and I finally got to eat a fried Snickers! Years ago I saw an episode of Nigella Bites where she fried a Bounty bar and it was dark brown and crispy and made a satisfying crunching sound when the person bit into it. The biter also said it was like Christmas and your birthday all wrapped into one. That is what I wanted, but instead I got a warm Snickers wrapped in a thin, non-crunchy layer of batter. Sigh.

*I just Googled her to see if I spelled her name right (almost) and discovered that she died last year. It’s a bit of a shock to be reading someone’s memoir and imagining her alive the whole time, only to discover that she’s dead. I feel kind of weird.

So I was correct: bragging about Spike’s food consumption was just asking for him to throw all his dinner on the floor. I keep threatening to throw all my food on the floor, too, just to see what the appeal is, but as I will also be the one to have to mop it up, I just can’t bring myself to do so.

In Facebook news, yesterday I defriended someone for the first time. Oh, what fun! I would consider defriending the author of the following status messages if I didn’t find them so irritatingly entertaining:

Jenny McHappy Elation is gonna DRINK SOME ICE TEA!!!!!!!!!!!!! ~~WOOOO~~and then I’m gonna TAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Jenny McHappy Elation LOVES CAKE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Watch out b. crocker!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Jenny McHappy Elation is gonna cook up some SKETTY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1 Yum!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Then her friends comment that she is such a good cook, can they come over for dinner, et cetera. I can only hope that somewhere, Jenny McHappy Elation has an exclamation point-laden blog where she is writing the following:

Y’ALL!!!!!!!!!!!!! I have the most BORING facebook friend!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! She doesn’t use ANY EXCLAMATION POINTS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I bet if she ate my sketty she would!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! LOL Gotta go drink some KOOLAID and jump in da pool OH YEAH !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I made this the other day. It was worth it. I ignored those stupid berries, though.

Can we just forget I said I was going to read Lolita? Thanks. I just read Can You Ever Forgive Me? Memoirs of a Literary Forger by Lee Israel. Do you like tiny memoirs where people pretend to be sorry for the things they did but are really very proud of their work because their forgeries are hilarious? You’ll love this, then. Here’s some stuff about it.

Two years ago I made Larry this cake for his birthday. Last year, I made this cake (description only; I dumbly did not take a photo, but if I recall correctly my ankles were the size of my thighs this time last year and if you ask me, that is a great excuse for pretty much anything). This year I decided to make him a real cake for his birthday, but instead of a standard, uncomplicated cake, I aimed higher.

I used to say that I loved to bake. Now I understand that what I mean is this: I love to eat baked goods. While I am relatively neat in other aspects of my life, I am a messy baker. Flour is all over the counter, often there are globs of batter on the cabinets, and this time, I managed to drip egg whites ON MY FOOT. I also tend to lose my place when following a recipe and usually end up screwing something up; usually I dump a bunch of stuff in a bowl and then realize I was supposed to blend two of those ingredients first, separately.

Anyway.

I have been eyeing Deb’s Chocolate Peanut Butter Cake for months. Here is what the cake should look like:

Shiny ganache! Two icings! Perfect, magazine-styled drips cascading down the sides! I realized mine wouldn’t look like that, but this did not deter me.

The first problem was that the cake was very, very soft and two of the three layers broke completely in half coming out of the pan. The second problem was that I am not good at doing things with any sort of precision or care and even though I put the layers in the freezer for awhile (as Deb instructed!) big hunks of cake still came off while I was sort of haphazardly slapping icing on, which I then glued back on the cake with more icing.

Because I had two broken layers, I filled in the cracks with icing. And because of the not good with precision thing (see above), I didn’t line up my one intact layer very well and it was totally crooked. More icing!

Then there was the ganache part of the whole thing, which did not cascade down the sides lovingly as angels and bluebirds sang and floated around my head.

Anyway, here is the result:

It kind of looks like Pete made it, but it was delicious. I will probably never make this exact cake again — those stupid soft layers are still pissing me off — but I’ll definitely ice a chocolate cake with the insanely good peanut butter cream cheese icing. In fact, I may ice some Ritz crackers or a steak or my stapler with the insanely good peanut butter cream cheese icing.

So happy birthday, Larry! Sorry your dad ate five pieces of your cake this weekend and that there is only one left. It’s all yours.

When I make meatballs, I usually use some of those Italian seasoned breadcrumbs. Apparently I’m out, so I had these choices for replacements:

a) use nothing
b) quick! toast some bread until it turns to rock and then crumble it
c) use a rolling pin to crunch up some croutons
d) use some disgusting, plastic-tasting panko

I went with c. We won’t be eating these meatballs until tomorrow, but whatcha think? Are these going to taste like ass, or is there a chance they will taste like they’re supposed to?

So there is this show that you should watch. It’s called Whatever, Martha and it’s on the Fine Living network. I knew it was Martha Stewart’s daughter and her friend, but what I didn’t know is that they a) look at segments from old Martha Stewart Living shows and then b) completely make fun of those segments. It is enjoyable whether you are a Martha devotee (like me) or not (like Larry, who was forced to watch an episode while I said “this is the best show EVER” approximately 400 times as Alexis ripped on her mother’s love of the cocktail napkin).

Speaking of Martha, I worship at many of her altars, including the organizational altar (my dream is a whole room to devote to linens — SHUT UP IT’S MY DREAM OK), the ridiculously cute and labor-intensive party favor altar, and the baking altar, but one area where Martha and I part ways is actual food. I don’t think I’ve ever tried a non-baked good Martha recipe before yesterday…and I probably won’t do it again. I got tricked into making some old chicken breast stuffed with white beans recipe, and it reminded me of orphanage food.

Larry, who was recently admonished for not saying he enjoyed his dinner quick enough and with the appropriate (read: maniacal) level of enthusiasm, said it was delicious! very moist and flavorful! until I said “I think this sucks” and then he said he agreed.

This weekend I finished reading Brideshead Revisited — a major achievement as I only started it a week ago, it has no pictures, and is a full 341 pages long. I should’ve watched the 80-part miniseries when I was a bored, driver’s licenseless teenager checking out movies from the library, but I never did, perhaps because I read the title then as bride-shed, not brides-head, and maybe I didn’t know that Brides-head is the name of a house until I opened the book, but I really didn’t know what a bride-shed was then. Anyway, I guess I don’t have anything to say about it except it was rolling along for 340 pages and then apparently Evelyn Waugh’s favorite pen broke or he ran out of ink or his editor called because the book suddenly ends on page 341. Seriously: on page 340 everyone is happy and in love and then on page 341 it’s over and everyone dies alone. I think I should write book reviews for the Not Very Interesing Spoiler-Gazette.

On Sunday I made a casserole. Casseroles, on the whole, are tasty and relatively easy, right? One-dish meals and all. This casserole, however, was not just the devil, but it was the devil when the devil had a really bad day and maybe got a flat tire and a parking ticket and his girlfriend broke up with him and he cut himself grooming his goatee. Chicken Poblano Casserole, I bite my thumb at you. It looks so innocent, so flavorful, so full of potential. I should’ve gone through and counted how many bowls/pans/BLENDERS I would need before I started (and should’ve read the reviews as well). Let us take a look:

Preheat broiler.

Cut poblanos and bell pepper in half lengthwise; discard seeds and membranes. CUTTING BOARD Place poblanos and bell pepper, skin sides up, on a foil-lined baking sheet; flatten with hand. BAKING SHEET Place corn on baking sheet. NOTE FRESH CORN; REQUIRES SHUCKING/DEALING WITH THOSE STRANDY HAIR THINGIES Broil 10 minutes or until poblanos and bell pepper are blackened and corn is lightly browned. Place poblanos and bell pepper in a zip-top plastic bag; BAGGIE seal. Let stand 10 minutes. Peel and coarsely chop; CUTTING BOARD set poblanos and bell pepper aside separately. TWO BOWLS/PLATES/WHATEVER FOR SEPARATION OF ITEMS Remove corn kernels from cobs. BOWL OR SOMETHING TO HOUSE CORN

Lightly spoon flour into a dry measuring cup; level with a knife. CUP AND KNIFE Place flour, 1/2 teaspoon salt, and black pepper in a large saucepan. SAUCEPAN Gradually add milk, stirring with a whisk. WHISK Cook over medium heat until slightly thick (about 12 minutes), stirring constantly. STIRRING CONSTANTLY FOR 12 MINUTES? I HAVE AN INFANT Remove from heat. Combine 1 cup milk mixture and poblanos in a blender; process until smooth. OMG THE BLENDER KILL ME Stir pureed poblano mixture into remaining milk mixture.

Combine bell pepper, corn, remaining 1/2 teaspoon salt, 1 cup Mexican cheese, red onion, cilantro, eggs, and ricotta. ANOTHER BOWL I AM RUNNING OUT OF BOWLS

Coat bottom of a 13 x 9-inch baking dish with cooking spray. BAKING DISH Spread 1/2 cup sauce in bottom of dish. Arrange 6 tortillas over sauce, overlapping slightly. Spread half of ricotta mixture over tortillas; top with half of chicken. WAIT CHICKEN I HAD TO COOK CHICKEN TOO: CUTTING BOARD FOR ONIONS COOKED WITH CHICKEN; SAUCEPAN Sprinkle with 1/3 cup green onions and 2/3 cup Mexican cheese. Pour about 1 cup sauce over cheese. Repeat layers with 6 tortillas, remaining ricotta mixture, remaining chicken, 1/3 cup green onions, 2/3 cup Mexican cheese, 1 cup sauce, and 6 tortillas. Pour remaining sauce over tortillas. Coat 1 side of foil with cooking spray. FOIL Place foil, coated side down, over casserole. Bake at 350° for 30 minutes or until bubbly.

Ok, so: that’s a lot of pans/trouble. And get this: with all of that going on, it’s fairly bland. Except for the stupid raw red onion, which is totally out of place. This dish is kind of like a mexican lasagne. What I do not want in the middle of my gooey, cheesy lasagne is to crunch down on a raw onion. And I love onions!

In the middle of all of this I also made a cheesecake, so add BOWL TO MELT BUTTER IN MICROWAVE, BOWL FOR GRAHAM CRACKER CRUST, BOWL TO SLIGHTLY SOFTEN CREAM CHEESE IN MICROWAVE, BOWL FOR BATTER, and PIE PLATE to the list of crap that was scattered across my kitchen counters. And that I had to wash. With my tears.

If I were a bigger nerd I would rename this recipe Chicken Poblano Asserole.

Yesterday I came across this Zucchini-Potato Frittata recipe and thought, hmm, that sounds good. What’s weird is that I had all the ingredients at home. How often do you happen to have zucchini, canadian bacon, and potatoes at home? I was already defrosting a meatloaf for dinner last night (god, that sounds terrible, doesn’t it? a defrosted meatloaf? it sounds like what the Cratchits eat) and thought, oh, I will make that delicious-sounding frittata another day even thought it is totally serendipitous that I have the ingredients and maybe the universe is telling me something because that is totally the way I think about things due to the fact that I am a transcendentalist at heart. I got home, took the meatloaf out of the fridge, and discovered that it was actually a giant, loaf-shaped block of chicken spaghetti. Therefore, the universe wanted me to make the frittata and I obeyed. And lord, was it good. Next time I am putting it in a pie crust for additional starchy goodness.

Spike is officially rocking a combover these days. While he still has tons of hair (we are still getting the “what hair!” from strangers), it is nothing like what he had in the glory days. However, the fact that he can hold his head up, wrap his chubby arms around my neck, and pinch the shit out of me is a great trade-off. A few weeks ago we got the go-ahead from the pediatrician to start solids, and I was totally expecting Spike, o he of the giant thighs, to embrace actual food like a champ. Nope. He wants nothing to do with it. We’ve tried different things every few days like you’re supposed to, and everything has been a disaster. His spit-it-out-it’s-gross reflex is still really strong, so despite the fact that he is wearing 9-12 month clothes, he is still a tiny baby at heart.

The other day I was in Ross looking at the book section (which has approximately 20 books) and there was another lady standing next to me. There was a pile of 4 books between us. I picked up the top book to see what it was (something about vegetarian cooking). I put it down, and then the lady moved the entire pile to the other side of her. I said, “Oh, I’m sorry, was that your pile?” thinking that she had made a pile of things to buy and I was recklessly pawing through it. “No,” she said. “I was just moving it.” OH. Just…moving it. Out of my reach. How sweet. Because I am a bad person, my internal monologue went from “look, there is a lady looking at a Rocco de Spirito cookbook for $6.99″ to “STUPID FAT LADY I HATE YOUR GUTS. ALSO I AM BUYING THE ROCCO DE SPIRITO BOOK FOR MY MOTHER-IN-LAW FOR CHRISTMAS BECAUSE THE ORIGINAL PRICE WAS $35 AND THAT IS A GREAT DEAL.”

I made a cake last night and not only did I drop several lemon seeds into the batter while trying unsuccessfully to grate some lemon rind (perhaps I should have used a fresh, whole lemon instead of an old, half lemon that had been in a baggie in the fridge for awhile), I then forgot to fish them out until after the batter was already beaten, at which time they were impossible to find. Oh, and because it was a pear cake, while I was peeling the pear it slipped out of my hands and landed in a Tupperware container that previously held a roast chicken and some saffron rice, and that currently held some soapy water with a few grains of rice and oh yeah: GREASY CHICKENY RESIDUE. Who wants cake?!

(Rinsing off the pear reminded me of the time I put some frozen steak on my George Foreman grill, and when I opened it to check on it, it apparently was still frozen and you know how the GF has an angle so that the grease will fall out? Yeah, my steak fell out too…right into the trash can. I washed it off and all but the whole time I was wondering, are you allowed to wash your beef? I’ve got WET BEEF.)

Has anyone seen the ridiculous Sweet and Low commercial with Regis Philbin where he essentially says, “Who wants a sweetener that tastes like delicious natural sugar? I enjoy the cloying artificial flavor of Sweet and Low! Also, I enjoy being driven around by the Pink Panther.” I enjoy that their angle is that they know it tastes weird. However, I love this Gas-X commercial and this Orbit commercial. What the french, toast?

GODRCKS

• Is anyone watching Mad Men? Did you see the season finale? Did you see the part where Peggy has been getting chunky throughout the season and then the part where she had a stomachache and went to the doctor and ended up WITH A BABY? Horrible, awful Pete’s baby? I can’t stop thinking about it. I really wish someone else watched this show besides me. Larry can only hear me say “I can’t believe Peggy had a baby!” so many times.

Top Model: so far, my favorites are Heather (duh) and Lisa and Sarah. Jenah and I are not speaking due to her unspeakable weave, but she takes great photos. I am gunning for Chantal and/or Bianca to get the axe next.

Dear The Office: I am very glad you’re moving back to 30-minute episodes this week. I love you, but it turns out it’s conditional.

• Quiz–Which One of These Soft Rock Easy Favorites Did I Download This Weekend?

a) “How Deep Is Your Love” by the Bee Gees
b) “I’d Really Like to See You Tonight” by England Dan and John Ford Coley
c) “Everything I Own” by Bread
d) “All Out of Love” by Air Supply

• I did not wrap Christmas presents this weekend, but I did make a pan of the most delicious brownies known to man. First, get a box of brownie mix. Once everything is mixed, dump in about a teaspoon of peppermint extract. Then, once the batter is in the pan, sprinkle old mint swirl chips that you found in your pantry from last Christmas on top. Bake, and enjoy the minty smells as they waft through your house. Later, experience minty fudgy goodness and marvel at your baking skills.

• Oh, and speaking of food, we are once again friends! Reunited and it feels so good, etc. Goodbye, nausea. I hope we have broken up for good.

I found an awesome recipe today in a cookbook completely devoted to rice. I’ve seen a lot of cookbooks devoted to funny things today, including popcorn (the book was called, no joke, Cornzapoppin’!). This particular recipe intrigues me for many reasons, but mainly because it includes bananas, cheese and IS ON FIRE.

Ham Banana Rolls (more…)

Last night Gorjus was filling me in on various pieces of gossip he’d acquired at one of the five parties he went to this weekend, and when he was done all I had to say was, “I only have one piece of gossip, and that is that Martha Stewart is a whore.” (more…)

For the past few weekends, I’ve been occupied with other things — I was coming back from DC last weekend, and the weekend before that I was in intense Grey’s Anatomy boot camp, and the weekend before that I was suffering from general malaise — and so it has been awhile since I spent a day in the kitchen. (more…)