I.

Larry: Did you notice a common theme with the rest of the mothers at that birthday party?
Sally: Sequins?
Larry: Yep. You are just a different kind of lady.

II.

I love reading the reviews when I’m buying a product online. I am considering buying my stepmother a certain item she requested, and I was delighted to find this review tonight:

“I ordered this to go ghost hunting. I am new at this so did’nt want to invest alot right now.”

Hey, remember about a year ago when I lamented the fact that Larry and I had been looking for a coffee table for years? I bought one last week! For $60. It arrived yesterday and I could not be happier. While in a perfect world, I would choose a different coffee table, I like it exactly $60 worth of liking. Plus: did I mention it was $60?

I know, I know. Aren’t we all trying to do that thing where instead of buying inexpensive, potentially chintzy* stuff, we buy good, quality stuff that will last? As of last week, that applies to shoes, not coffee tables. Plus, I think my love of the cheapness will cause this whole buy-quality-stuff thing to fall by the wayside pretty quickly. See also: yesterday’s post, filled with glee over 20% off at a salvage store where half of the merchandise is burned up/mildewed/peed on.

*Is this word racist?

In bargain news, today I was at Hudson’s, where I bought some holiday tissue paper that was originally at Tuesday Morning for $.99. It was 60% off, and THEN you got an additional 20% off your total bill. So I spent, what, something like $.30? Do you know how much I love an additional __% off? That additional 20% off gave me the freedom to spend not $.99, but $.78 each on some matching hats for Larry and his brother. And to buy an avocado slicer (“when a knife and yo wobbly hand just won’t do”). And a new crib mattress pad for Spike, as the one I originally bought him was way too puffy and I couldn’t get the sheets around it and I have been using a towel for a mattress pad for the past 19 months. My idea of a good time: buying crap at a salvage store for a low price, plus an additional % off, plus an ADDITIONAL % off.

Tonight Larry and I went to see Fantastic Mr. Fox. I loved it.

Good news, kids: after today, only two more NaNoBloMo entries!

While I felt slightly ridiculous for getting out into the Black Friday insanity this morning, my defense is thus: I left the house at the reasonable hour of 9:00 and went to Steinmart, where the $10 off coupon was good until 10:00. For hobnobbing with the unwashed masses, I scored a pair of cute sterling earrings for my mother in law for the low, low price of…are you ready? $1.64. Holla!

In unrelated news, for being such a turd of a cat, Pete is also the one most likely to sit in your lap and is by far the purriest. Stupid cat. I am currently locked in the back of the house with the said turd, as he attempted to slash the achilles tendon of one of my houseguests yesterday. Of course, he is sitting in my lap. And purring.

Larry: What are you thankful for?
Sally: The baby.
Larry: (silence)
Sally: And ham.
Larry: (silence)
Sally: And you.
Larry: You’re just saying that because my mom’s in the room.
Sally: She can’t hear me. Watch: douche. See?

Having houseguests is kind of nice and kind of infuriating at the same time. Tonight I have had these two disparate thoughts:

It’s so nice to have everyone together!

and

Are you people just incapable of using a bath mat?

So, you should read this article, “Everybody Hates Mommy.”. If, after you read it, you’re thinking, “Man, no one I know hates mommies; this must be a figment of this author’s imagination,” read the comments.

This morning I made a grocery list on two small pieces of paper, and then I meticulously rewrote it on a bigger piece and organized it according to the layout of my store. (I know.) I put it in my purse, and then later decided to just take my wallet and the diaper bag, which means my careful, loving OCD was for naught. As I was checking out, I remembered that I forgot parsley, but as no dish was ever ruined by the absence of parsley, I didn’t stress about it.

When I got home I consulted my list to see what all I forgot. Of the 28 items (and I’m counting “4 Golden Delicious apples” as one item), I remembered 22 of them. That is a 79% memory rate. Not bad!

In other domestic news, for years I have just dealt with the little shoulder nubbies that clotheshangers make on damp shirts when I hang them up to dry, but I have discovered that if you use a skirt hanger and hang the shirt/sweater upside down, clamping the hanger’s teeth on the very edge of the garment, there are no nubbies! Also, I am turning into Heloise.

It is rare to be 60 pages into a book and be 99% grateful that there are over 600 more pages to go, but I just started A.S. Byatt’s The Children’s Book, and whoa: it is fantastic. The only thing that’s tripping me up (that’s the 1%) is that every single person referred to in an offhand remark has a full name, which means at this point there are roughly 9 million names but only a handful of people I’m supposed to remember, and unless they have unusual names (not so, Phillip, Tom, and Julian), I have to think really hard to remember who is who. This is a small price to pay for general awesomeness, though!

Last night my 19-month old baby ate a grilled cheese sandwich, half a piece of bacon, and an apple for dinner. Is that what you’re supposed to feed your baby? Sometimes the stars align and the thing I put in front of him is a) nutritious and b) acceptable to his palate, but other times the floor under his chair gets a better meal than he does. And just because he eats something and seems to enjoy it does not necessarily mean he will eat and enjoy it the next time, mind you. This makes dinnertime stressful for me, and 100% awesome for Lulu, who can hear a banana hit the floor from 4 rooms away while in a deep sleep and dreaming about chasing rabbits.

Spike seems to consistently enjoy the following foods:
guacamole
baked chicken (the day it is baked, mind you, not left over)
black beans
refried beans
mashed potatoes
pasta with red sauce
meatballs
pizza
all fruits on earth

He will tolerate, on occasion, the following foods:
grilled cheese sandwich
sweet potato fries
peanut butter and jelly sandwich
quesadilla

I’m sure I’m forgetting some stuff, but please note there is nothing green on either list. Larry and I did trick him into chewing on some asparagus the other night, but I think that was the only green vegetable that has passed his lips since the days of jarred baby food. Please note that chicken nuggets and macaroni and cheese are not on the list; he will NOT eat them.

What do your kids eat? And how much? Are you satisfied with their diet?

If this were the opening paragraph to a short story…

“In Munich there are many men who look like weasels. Whether by genetic accident, meticulous crossbreeding, an early and puzzling migration, coincidence, or a reason that we do not know, they exist in great numbers. Remarkably, they accentuate this unfortunate tendency by wearing moustaches, Alpine hats, and tweed. A man who resembles a rodent should never wear tweed.”

…wouldn’t you need to read the rest of it? It’s from “The Schreuderspitze” by Mark Helprin.

Today I am wearing a sweater vest. I mean, I’m wearing other things, too, but part of my ensemble is a yellow sweater vest. This is noteworthy because I haven’t worn a sweater vest since 1997, when I accidentally wore a red sweater vest with little white stitched Vs on it to teach in, and my students robustly pointed out that it was Valentine’s Day and I was wearing my Valentine’s Day sweater vest. Is there anything worse than a teacher who wears those awful holiday sweaters? I was one! Accidentally, but still. My high school boyfriend’s mother was a 4th grade teacher and had a closet full of those things. At least she did have the fancy, executive line with little dangling pumpkins and furry flags and all.

Tonight I was ready to murder all the animals in the world, or at least the ones who live at my house. Lulu was outside barking, and when I went to let her in, she started galloping from the very back of the yard so by the time she made it to the house she was going pretty fast. Meanwhile, Pete was chasing Bob through the kitchen, and as Bob sailed through the air as he jumped off the 3 steps down from the kitchen into the back room, he collided with Lulu, who, as you’ll remember, was going 900 miles per hour. There was a really, really bad cat noise, and then some barking, and then I looked over and Icky was snoozing through the entire event.

This drawing sucks for many reasons, one of which it is too small to see, but if you squint you can kind of see what happened.

I have this problem when Larry is talking. I cannot understand the first few words of his sentences. If he says more than one in a row, I can follow fine, but when no one’s said anything for awhile and he speaks, either I am not paying attention or he’s got a bad case of mushmouth. Usually this just means I say, “huh?” a lot, or I end up attempting to answer him, which causes a lot of confusion, like so:

Larry: [mumble mumble] watch tv?
Sally: No, thanks.
Larry: What?
Sally: I said “no, thanks.”
Larry: Oh. ‘Cause I said “mind if I watch TV?”

The other day, however, I feared a line was being crossed:

Larry: [mumble mumble] poop today?
Sally: WHAT.
Larry. Poop today.
Sally: Did WHO poop today.
Larry: Spike.
Sally: Ohhhh. Yes, twice.

At Fred’s:
A “My First Cleaning Cart” toy. It’s one of those janitor’s carts with wheels, complete with toy mop, cleaning products, et cetera. It is pink. It also says “Just for Girls!” on it.

At TJ Maxx:
A Christmas plaque that says, “Who pooped in your egg nog?”

At Big Lots:
A Snuggie knockoff called the Cuddle Wuddle.

As you can tell, I only shop at the finest establishments.