1. I have a friend on Facebook who was born in 1923. Question: is this weird or cool? Discuss.

2. Friday we are headed to Memphis for the weekend — this will be Spike’s first road trip. It’s usually a 3-hour drive. It’s safe to assume it’s going to take us 5 or 6 hours, right? I can’t wait until he’s older so I can make him pee in a cup in the backseat like my parents made me do. He will have a slight advantage in terms of success. My father also limited how much liquid I was allowed to consume. Um. Is that child abuse?

3. On the television front, I have been watching Wipeout and heartily laughing my ass off. Sometimes I rewind to watch parts again. I’m not proud.

4. GOTFATH

5. We were going to a white trash party the other night, and I really wanted to wear some of those crusty Billy Bob teeth (I actually had some that were made of gum, but they melted). I consulted my costuming expert, Mrs. Floon, who sent me to Party City. They probably had some, but I wandered around and didn’t find any and then couldn’t bring myself to ask. Please ma’am, where do you keep your false hillbilly teeth? Instead, I bought a single clip-on gold tooth ($1.99). Of course I had to wash the thing before sticking it in my mouth, and while I was rinsing it off WHOOSH! it went down the drain. I don’t know if you believe in ghosts, but all I’m saying is that 1) one of my Grandaddy’s front teeth was gold and 2) he’s dead.

1. Did anyone notice that the NYT magazine spelled “doctrine” wrong on the letters page this week? Finding a NYT typo is only second-best to finding one in the New Yorker (I’m looking at you, review of Crimes of the Heart in which you spell Hazlehurst “Hazelhurst,” although that may be a fact-checking error, in which case I get double bonus points for that). My brain doesn’t get a lot of action these days, so it was very exciting for me.

2. My brain has, however, watched a lot of television in the past month. My standards, which are not terribly high to begin with where tv is concerned, have been lowered considerably. Case in point: I have started watching All My Children again. They lured me in with the same characters that were on when I started watching 25 years ago. Also, Dixie is now a ghost. And Tad got shot at Angie and Jesse’s wedding. Here is part of my fascination, though: while it is obvious that Tad is not really going to die, thus reuniting with Dixie forever (they are currently happily in love in a white set version of heavenly purgatory), part of me worried over the weekend that he might, in fact, die without knowing what Kathy is really Kate, his daughter, even though Adam (who was haunted by Dixie!) knows the truth and is hovering outside of Tad’s hospital room and is totally about to tell him except Tad’s brother (who performed surgery on Tad a minute ago) is blocking him from going in his room. How is this possible? Is it because my defenses are down? Is it the sleep deprivation? Or are soap operas carefully constructed to elicit certain responses?

3. Spike has become the Hungriest Baby in All the Land and as such we have started giving him formula. Gasp! you’re saying. Not formula! Don’t you know what happens to babies who are not exclusively breast fed? Yes. They grow up to be like me. Not counting the soap opera thing, my brain works fairly ok most of the time. I said most of the time.

4. Speaking of Spike, he has started talking. He doesn’t speak English yet, but apparently he speaks mobile because he spends a great deal of time looking at the animals on his mobile and discussing the day’s events with them. I’m pretty sure I overheard something about the delegate count last night, but I could be mistaken. I also have to tell you that he has a very hilarious little fake laugh that sounds like he’s making fun of George W. Bush. Heh-heh-heh. Oh man. You people who don’t know Spike in real life are missing out.

5. It’s naptime. Goodnight.

1. Apparently you people are not that interested in bizarre holiday duets, or else you’re playing coy with me. While I wish with all my heart that Celine Dion and Elvis Costello would sing any kind of carol together, or heck, even a toilet paper commercial, it was actually the indigestion-inspiring combo meal of Chris Isaak and Stevie Nicks Santa Clausing it that I heard. Her part was pretty small; she mostly kept her Parkinson’s to herself except for a few moments of harmony. BUT STILL.

2. Has anyone read The Emperor’s Children by Claire Messud? I’m about a hundred pages into it and like it so far, but Claire Messud? You need to reassess your use of commas. Had I gotten the book from the library, I would’ve shut it and never returned from these, sentences numbers five and six of the entire book:

Her dangling fan earrings clanked at her neck as she leaned in to kiss each of them, Danielle too, and although she held her cigarette, in its mother-of-pearl holder, at arm’s length, its smoke wafted between them and brought tears to Danielle’s eyes. Danielle didn’t wipe them, for fear of disturbing her makeup.

Sure, I guess technically these commas aren’t incorrect, but jeezum crow, Knopf editors. You’re killing me here!

3. I would like to write a treatise on maternity clothes, specifically why in the HELL maternity clothes designers think that when a woman is pregnant, the #1 clothing detail she wants is ruching. Dudes. Everything has fucking ruching! And if it’s not ruched, it’s v-neck. And if by some miracle it’s ruch- and v-neck-free, then it has flowy Stevie Nicks sleeves (just a note: Stevie Nicks insults me on many levels, ears and eyes). I may just go the Christina Aguilera route if the ruche trend continues.

4. Top Model: I could not be happier that stanky Bianker is gone. I think the girls left are pretty slim pickins, but my guess is that Chantal will win, even if she has a wonky eye. Or it might be Saleisha, although that Tootiecut has got to go. Jenah will not win, although she should be commended for making it this far with that nasty weave. Next week: season finale!

5. Project Runway: My love for Christian deepens each week. I think I giggle every time he’s on screen. I just love his carefully sculpted hair and the way I keep thinking he’s a girl at first. I also, despite my better judgment, like Sweet P (not SWT PEE). Also, I hope that all of you able-to-drink-alcohol types have seen Liz’s Project Runway drinking game. It’s hilariously spot-on.

So Larry ran the marathon on Saturday, and did not die after all! That stretcher I rented came in handy, however, as I got sleepy at the finish line waiting for him. Actually, some dude did need a stretcher, and others were wheeled away in wheelchairs, and others were weeping as they leaned on Official Marathon Personnel and were escorted away. Larry was a trooper, though, and not only finished in under four hours, but was still walking around at 9:00 that night! Go Larry!

In completely unrelated news, here is a brief quiz.

What bizarre Christmas duet did I hear on the radio this morning? (No internet cheating, jerks!)

a. Celine Dion and Elvis Costello singing “The First Noel”
b. Charlotte Church and the ghost of Bing Crosby singing “Adeste Fidelis”
c. Mick Jagger and Barbra Streisand singing “Silver Bells”
d. Chris Isaak and Stevie Nicks singing “Santa Claus is Coming to Town”

Vanity tag du jour:

IM ON2U

1. I was buying this hilariously useless product at Tuesday Morning the other day — purely because it was $2.99, and for $2.99 I will buy almost anything that claims to magically clean things, especially with battery power and by the way, did you notice that in the picture, it’s picking up chicken salad off of maroon carpet? Wouldn’t you buy it too? I tried making it slurp up spaghetti off my plate last night and uh, let’s just say it didn’t work — and the lady who was checking me out had 8 piercings in her right ear and 9 in her left. I know this because I asked.

2. Apparently a month ago the good people of Fred’s had a going away dinner for a long-time manager, and Toby made a casserole, and people are still talking about it. I asked about this, too. It had penne (pronounced penny, btw), chicken, and broccoli, and that broccoli was just so perfect. I wonder if salespeople get tired of me asking questions when they are clearly intent on ignoring me and having their own conversations.

3. I was pumping gas the other day and while it was filling up I cleaned out my car. I threw away lots of wadded up napkins and straw wrappers and water bottles, and when I went back to the pump to check on it, it had filled my car up with $.71 of gas. SEVENTY-ONE CENTS. In two minutes. I’ve never put $.71 on my debit card before. I bet it’s going to look hilarious on my bank statement.

4. Yesterday in the doctor’s office, this lady sat directly next to me (even though there were plenty of chairs elsewhere), made a loud phone call, and then took out an empty water bottle and spit into it. I was not impressed.

5. I also overheard this conversation in the waiting room (different person):

No, Mama, no. Uh-uh. The pills they say she overdosed on? I picked those up for her on Sunday. They only gave me 10 of them.

I need more information.

• Is anyone watching Mad Men? Did you see the season finale? Did you see the part where Peggy has been getting chunky throughout the season and then the part where she had a stomachache and went to the doctor and ended up WITH A BABY? Horrible, awful Pete’s baby? I can’t stop thinking about it. I really wish someone else watched this show besides me. Larry can only hear me say “I can’t believe Peggy had a baby!” so many times.

Top Model: so far, my favorites are Heather (duh) and Lisa and Sarah. Jenah and I are not speaking due to her unspeakable weave, but she takes great photos. I am gunning for Chantal and/or Bianca to get the axe next.

Dear The Office: I am very glad you’re moving back to 30-minute episodes this week. I love you, but it turns out it’s conditional.

• Quiz–Which One of These Soft Rock Easy Favorites Did I Download This Weekend?

a) “How Deep Is Your Love” by the Bee Gees
b) “I’d Really Like to See You Tonight” by England Dan and John Ford Coley
c) “Everything I Own” by Bread
d) “All Out of Love” by Air Supply

• I did not wrap Christmas presents this weekend, but I did make a pan of the most delicious brownies known to man. First, get a box of brownie mix. Once everything is mixed, dump in about a teaspoon of peppermint extract. Then, once the batter is in the pan, sprinkle old mint swirl chips that you found in your pantry from last Christmas on top. Bake, and enjoy the minty smells as they waft through your house. Later, experience minty fudgy goodness and marvel at your baking skills.

• Oh, and speaking of food, we are once again friends! Reunited and it feels so good, etc. Goodbye, nausea. I hope we have broken up for good.

• Vanity tags:

DOUCGOD
FRIED

Might be the best combo of all time. An almost Massengill-related religious tag and FRIED — on a motorcycle, no less.

• Remember the meeting I was dreading last week? Apparently worrying about things to the extent that you do not consider that things can go smoothly is the way to go, as the meeting was a dream. A dream, I tell you! There was no train whistle syndrome — I spoke, and people responded as if they had heard what I said — and I only sweated one bucket’s worth instead of the four buckets’ worth I had planned on. Plus, there were cookies. Success!

• TV update: did anyone watch Pushing Daisies? If so, are you in love? Did you find it adorable and charming? Do you yearn to know a 4’11″ lady named Olive Snook? The rest of the series may turn into a Wizard of Oz-inspired Murder She Wrote, but damn. That first episode was one of the sweetest things ever.

I don’t know if you were aware of this or not, but my BFF Law and Order: Criminal Intent got booted from NBC and is now housed on USA. I am pleased to report that the formula of evil genius commits crime while wearing rare Bolivian tennis shoes, crime is solved by Detective Goren who, incidentally, spent a summer in Bolivia working at the tennis shoe factory is intact.

• Also, internet, I have been keeping something from you. It appears that I am pregnant. You know, with a baby. At least we think it’s a baby. The sonogram looked like a baby, but I had a dream it was twin kittens, so that possibility is still up in the air. I’m telling you this because I can no longer keep the nausea/vomit talk to myself. Congratulations, internet! You’re going to be an aunt/uncle!

Five things for Monday.

1. I went to a new dentist on Saturday (I know! Saturday teeth cleaning!) and apparently I have exceptionally clean teeth. The hygienist complained that there was little to scrape off. Let me tell you: I have never had this experience before, so it must mean that the Sonicare toothbrush I’ve been using for the past 9 months is kicking plaque’s ass. (I have the cheapest one, so if you’re in the market, please know that it works great.)

2. It’s not a vanity tag, but I saw this in a fancy script on someone’s back window the other day:

3. Rock of Love, dudes. I can’t even say that last night’s episode was awesome because I was too busy spraying myself with a fire extinguisher after I burst into flames out of embarrassment. First off, ladies, do not let your dad wear a peach short-sleeved mock turtleneck, especially if he is going to be appearing on television. Also, refrain from being in situations where someone might tell your dad you gave Bret Michaels a blow job. Also, refrain from having a dad who will then WALK UP TO BRET MICHAELS AND ASK HIM ABOUT THE BLOW JOB YOU GAVE HIM. I know you can’t choose your parents, but maybe if your dad is gross and weird and is going to be on tv, you could hire a nice actor instead.

4. Pete Drug Report: there is still relative peace in the valley (if you ignore one errant turding incident), and this morning, Pete and Lulu were caught sleeping together on her bed. You couldn’t call it cuddling or nestling, but there was a cat and a dog sleeping within inches of each other and nobody was crying or bleeding, so I consider that a huge victory.

5. Did you know that America’s Next Top Model starts this week? I would be more excited except I read that this season the whole gang is on a cruise ship. It reeks of that dreadful “semester at sea” season of Road Rules (you know, the season where I stopped watching Road Rules). Ty-Ty, you better have chosen some crazy beer-throwing-on-weave bitches to make it up to me.

In which I discuss Pete’s personality change, last night’s Top Chef, this week’s Rock of Love, and a vanity tag. (more…)

• You should probably go here and vote for your top 5 favorite Mississippi buildings. (Mine, in case you care: Eudora Welty house, Lamar Life Building, Bailey High School, Windsor Ruins, and Fountainhead.)

• I watched four episodes of Flight of the Conchords this weekend. Jemaine is my new boyfriend and also, the humans are dead. (Sniff this one, it’s dead.)

• Saturday night, Gorjus and I volunteered to sell wine at Bright Nights, Belhaven Nights. People: if you saw a big sign that said “Wine — $3.00″ would you think that you’re getting really, really good wine? Someone actually asked what region of Italy it came from. My standard answer to all wine questions was “um, it’s street fair wine.” Also, a friend came by and was sincerely confused about why I was selling wine under a tent. He thought that maybe Gorjus and I had forsaken our normal careers for the ragamuffin life of street fair sommeliers. After I explained that no, we were just volunteers, then he got really confused because the tent we were selling wine under said Cellular South and he thought that maybe we had quit our jobs to devote ourselves to cell phone sales.

• Can someone talk me into reading the rest of Eat, Pray, Love? I really want to like this book. Really. I know this sounds stupid, but there is something about her overuse of simile that gets on my nerves.

1. A coworker was just looking up something about Cap’n James Cook and had a biography of him on her desk. Then I saw that the author’s name was J.C. Beaglehole. I just thought you should know.

2. Re: Top Chef. I don’t know what’s wrong with me, but I thought Dale’s tuna burger topped with an egg looked like it was sent from heaven after being lovingly shaped by the hands of Julia Child.

3. You know what show I really like watching when I’m tired and sort of bored with the world? Ninja Warrior. I don’t know what’s better, watching people attempt to run across some rolling barrels or reading the English translations of the Japanese commentators (He is crawling for his life like a giant baby!) or hearing the crowd scream and laugh with delight when someone falls off of some bizarre, revolving contraption into the water below.

• Vanity tag:

2L8IONE

I first read this as too late, Ione [Skye], but then I got it. (more…)

Hello, blog. I have neglected you. (more…)

I have a Discover gift card that has $1.66 on it. What the heck am I going to buy for $1.66 or under? I think even at the Dollar Tree you have to spend $5 to use a credit card. I do not want my precious $1.66 going to waste. Think, people, think. (more…)

• First off, let me say that Larry is awesome and also an official architect! He got the word on Friday that he passed the last of the NINE tests he had to take for his licensure! Go Larry! (To top it off, on Saturday he ran a 5K for the first time — and came in third — while I was busy eating donuts. Woot!)

(more…)