Grocery list:
yogurt
toilet paper
tampons
chicken
bagels

Note:
PQ 2249. G75*
PR 3629. R6**

You can be the president…I’d rather be the pope.

Grocery list:
eggs
foil
Saran wrap
kitty litter
mint tea
garbage foot bags [WHAT DOES THIS MEAN]
reg. aspirin

Receipt from Save-Rite Grocery Warehouse, 1/10/04: $7.60

Receipt from Wal-Mart, 1/17/04: 93.76

Grocery list:
breadcrumbses***
ground beefs***
sack o’ potatoeses***
chicken breastses***
cokes
fettucine
frozen rolls
boogers***

*A book about Flaubert.
**A book about “The Rape of the Lock.”
***I seem to recall that this list was edited by Gorjus while I was on the phone.

Gorjus wrote this for the occasion of Spike’s birthday. All I have to say is, best godfather ever.

Dear Spike (At One)

Before you were born, your momma
used to drink buckets of beer and quote Smiths lyrics,
used to make grown men blush and stammer. (more…)

• 2WITCHY
7TITHRS
SNKTFYD

I get twitchy, I get sanctified* (although it took me a minute), but 7TITHRS? The Diplomat sent me that one. My guess is “seven tithers” and his is “seven tit hours.” Any other guesses?

• I’ve been reading (slowly, I may add) Decline and Fall by Evelyn Waugh. I aspire to write a truly silly book one day (complete with ridiculous character names) and have some blurbist write on the back that my book is “in the spirit of Waugh’s Decline and Fall; a true nonsensical masterpiece.” I have the feeling it took Waugh approximately two weeks to write and that he was drunk a lot during the process. One day, I shall give myself a drunken two weeks alone with a typewriter and see what happens. I have a feeling it would be something like this:

Onec upon a tine there was a nam maned Horace McSludgebucket and omg I’m so drunkkkk

• Do you know about Sexy People? What about Fuck You, Penguin? You’re welcome, internet.

• Jaxxonians, have you been to the downtown Keifer’s and had a burger lately? The burger with the mozzerella AND THE FETA DRESSING? Jesus. I ate one yesterday and could eat another four or so today, too.

• Also, gorjus killed John Updike.

*These sound like awesome song lyrics.

Gorjus (driving): Here’s a license plate for you.
Sally: Ok.
Gorjus: You know, “sweetpea” is a cute word. It’s appropriate for a tag.
Sally: Yes.
Gorjus: But not if you spell it PEE.
Sally: What! Sweet pee? How is “sweet” spelled?
Gorjus: S-w-t.
Sally: SWT PEE? Maybe that’s not sweet pee. Maybe it’s sweat pee.
Gorjus: Maybe the guy works in a lab and deals with fluids.
Sally: It’s like Lust, Caution. Sweat, pee.

(Scene: Gorjus and Sally are at a chinese buffet. The waittress has brought the bill and then has come back to the table 800 times to ask “Everything ok?”) (more…)

Dear Gorjus, (more…)

Sunday night:
Person: Mike and Jen are getting a divorce!
Me: That’s awesome!
Person: I know!
(more…)

I am hott in internet cartoons. And I wear Kurt Cobain’s sweater.

I talk to Gorjus several hundred times a day. As he noted yesterday, usually I answer the phone by saying “bacon!” and then he says “ahoy-hoy!” (He used to just pretend he said “ahoy-hoy,” but now he actually says it.)

Occasionally — nay, often — he says things so ridiculous I must write them down. And today, I present to you a challenge: a quiz featuring some of the inane things Gorjus has actually said recently!

1. Yesterday, Gorjus said, “He’s a magic dick who walks around doing stuff.” Who was he describing?
a) Spiderman
b) Jesus
c) George W. Bush
d) Bruce Springsteen

2. A few days ago, Gorjus said, “Sometimes, it’s like, the most awesome thing ever, and sometimes it’s just all, I don’t know, clammy.” What was he describing?
a) XM radio
b) television
c) internet
d) cheese

3. Which phrase was not recently used in an email from Gorjus to me?
a) “Holy effing mother of all that is fucking holy.”
b) “You are sending me to an emotional grave.”
c) subject line: “new website, same rat face”
d) “Great fucking food? You want to fuck that sweet tea?”

4. The correct Gorjusinated form of the word “driving” is
a) drovering
b) drivering
c) drivinged
d) driveding

5. Gorjus signed a series of emails recently with this acronym: “OMBC VP.” What does it stand for?

6. “Friptor.” Explain.

Good luck!

(more…)

Last night’s tv watching started out promising in terms of me staying coherent and taking a few notes, with a couple of American Idol contestant poem titles scribbled on a magazine subscription card: “Ode to My Beanie” by Ace and “I Long to Be an Old Black Man” by Taylor Hicks.

Then Gorjus came over with the Santinis, and my evening was pretty much lost to me.

I remember through my haze that Ryan Seacrest attempted to undress a young boy on national television, that pancakes with blueberry syrup don’t go all that well with raspberry-flavored liqueur dumped into champagne, that Gorjus and I watched a couple — nay, several Madonna videos (“Like a Prayer,” anyone? What about “Material Girl”? “Lucky Star”?), that Santino was born in my ex-husband’s home town (and had a hard time due to various factors), that Daniel V’s new haircut brings out the nose in him, that I forgot to lock the front door and strangely, Herman Rarebell came waltzing in at 9:30, that this week’s PR was a bummer due to everything happening next week, and that I am a Santini lightweight.

Last night was the FIRST ANNUAL GORJUS-PA-LOOZA, where we celebrated his birthday with dinner (potato and leek soup with cheddar toasts, macaroni and cheese, chocolate cake), television (last week’s Survivor and then the live Project Runway) and presents (an assortment of sodas (one is called Fukola Cola), stationery I thought was modern and manly until he said, “Look, it has peaches on it!”, a magnetic thingie that holds little container thingies, chocolate covered cashews). (more…)

Happy birthday to Gorjus, o he of the cartoons and the jelly bracelets. Here is my favorite picture of us, a reprint from last year:

Nothing flatters one’s shape more than a bulky adult diaper worn over the clothes — and filled with bottles of beer and lemons in the front.

I never get tired of this picture. Obviously.

So I talked to gorjus several thousand times yesterday and not once did he mention Project Runway. I thought perhaps he was a little preoccupied, no big deal, whatevs, and then around six I emailed him this email: (more…)