We live in an older house, built in the 40s, and as such have limited storage. Thus, we tend to stash a bunch of stuff in the attic. As I do not enjoy rickety pull-down stairs, the attic is Larry’s domain. The other day when I asked him to put some stuff up there, he kind of had a tiny hissy fit about how much he hated going up there. So today, when I still needed some stuff put up there, we had this conversation:

Me: So…about that stuff that needs to go into the (pause, pointing upstairs) a-word.
Larry: (in a stage whisper) Do you mean “asshole”?
Me: Yesssss. I need you to put the rocking horse IN MY ASSHOLE.

Say the newspaper is all over the dining room table from where you were looking for one of those 50% off one item Michaels coupons. You and your family are eating dinner at the table. The cat is sitting on the table as well. You don’t mind, since he has zero interest in getting near the food. Then he starts barfing. On the table where you’re eating. However, he is barfing on the newspaper, so do you move him to the floor, where you will have to clean up cat barf, or do you let him continue to barf it up on the newspaper, where you can just wad it up and throw it away?

Decisions, decisions.

I let him continue to barf. The baby thought it was funny.

The top drawer to my bedside table has gotten out of control — not only is stuff crammed in there, but it’s too heavy to open/close with one hand. Last night I pulled the whole thing out and found the following:

4 pads of paper
17 pens/pencils/Sharpies
6 tubs/tubes/vats of lotion
2 bottles Sally Hansen Xtreme Wear nail polish in Cherry Red
3 other bottles of various nail polish
3 glue sticks
1 Queasy Pop
3 orphan socks (one adult, two baby)
various expired and (score!) non-expired drugs
1 cassette tape with this written on Side 1: KC – Cyndi Lauper – James Ingram – Nena – Yes
2 almost used up tubes, 1 brand new tube of my all-time favorite lipstick (Rimmel Balistic) that is apparently now discontinued! I nearly wept with joy!
Target gift card for $3.64!
a dream from 2006 where “Liz’s friend Krista had a new way of eating Cool Whip”
3 bottles Clinique Dramatically Different Moisturizing Lotion
more barrettes than you can shake a stick at
2 bags Tender Vittles
this picture, in which I apparently tried many times to draw a horse (and failed):

Scene: a restaurant during lunchtime.

Man at table 1: Excuse me, can you pass the black salt?
Man at table 2: (pause) Um. You mean the pepper?
Man at table 1: I SAID “BLACK SALT,” MOTHERFUCKER!

Did you know Edward Gorey liked Stouffer’s Creamed Chipped Beef? It is better than being like Clara who wasted away or Ernest who choked on a peach.

Larry and I just had an argument about the official definition of the word “dingleberry.” I won because my definition was in the OED! Score! (First usage: 1950.)

Take this quiz and find out!

1. You are at Walgreens and see that a 5-pack of Papermate mechanical pencils is $.19. What happens next?

a. You buy a package.
b. You buy two packages.
c. You have plenty of pencils at home and at work, so you don’t buy any.
d. You call your mom and tell her about the $.19 pencil sale. And then buy a couple packages.

2. You are buying diaper cream at Kroger. The A&D, your usual brand, is $4.79. The Boudreaux’s Butt Paste, which is usually an insane $10.99, is on sale for $4.79. What happens next?

a. You stand there deliberating for a REALLY long time and end up buying the A&D.
b. But you are haunted by the savings you passed up.
c. But you don’t even like Boudreaux’s!
d. I know! It’s too thick.
e. Still, that’s over a $6 savings.

3. You are glad your child will try new foods, but deliriously happy he has rejected what item?

a. pickles
b. crickets
c. dog biscuits
d. radishes

4. Do you ever check your voicemail?

a. Yes
b. No

5. You are in the living room watching tv. Your husband turns on the radio in the kitchen. What happens next?

a. Nothing. What do you care if he’s listening to the radio?
b. The sound of dueling noises causes all your teeth to fall out.

6. What about if he turns on the tv in the other room and it’s loud enough that you can hear it?

a. Same thing.

7. You have a tattoo. What is it?

a. a teddy bear holding a bunch of balloons
b. your own name in case of amnesia
c. The words “I wear black on the outside because black is how I feel on the inside”
d. that 5-petal flower everyone doodles while on the phone

8. When you hear the word “unfair,” is the first thing you think of Unferth, Beowulf’s nemesis/buddy?

a. Yes
b. No
c. This is the dumbest question ever

Grocery list:
yogurt
toilet paper
tampons
chicken
bagels

Note:
PQ 2249. G75*
PR 3629. R6**

You can be the president…I’d rather be the pope.

Grocery list:
eggs
foil
Saran wrap
kitty litter
mint tea
garbage foot bags [WHAT DOES THIS MEAN]
reg. aspirin

Receipt from Save-Rite Grocery Warehouse, 1/10/04: $7.60

Receipt from Wal-Mart, 1/17/04: 93.76

Grocery list:
breadcrumbses***
ground beefs***
sack o’ potatoeses***
chicken breastses***
cokes
fettucine
frozen rolls
boogers***

*A book about Flaubert.
**A book about “The Rape of the Lock.”
***I seem to recall that this list was edited by Gorjus while I was on the phone.

Hey there! I kind of forgot to post a poem for several days in a row. I have a really good excuse, though: I was eaten by wild dogs. “Eaten by wild dogs” is just hipster slang for having a baby’s birthday party with ill-behaved relatives. Next year we are having Spike’s party IN SPACE.

So, to recap, I am sick of the following:
–Spike’s grandparents
–last weekend
–swine flu

However, I did buy some cute capris on Sunday so the whole weekend wasn’t a wash.

I just spent the last 10 minutes jamming tiny pretzels covered in chocolate and sprinkles down my throat. Then I thought, Wait. Where did these come from? They just appeared under my desk. No note, and no one’s said anything about leaving me a present.

I would be the easiest person to poison ever.

Am I the only one who misreads barfly as an adverb instead of a noun?

I also consistently misread moped, as in the scooter, as moped, as in the past tense of what sullen people do, no matter the context.

That is all.

When my work email system shifted from Lotus to Outlook way back in 2005, I printed out all the emails I thought I would need, which was like, all of them, and two folders’ worth have been rotting in my office drawer untouched ever since. Today I went through them and threw all but one away.

In October of 2005, my friend Ankles and I had been emailing back and forth about about her love life and she came up with a Never Again list, reproduced here for your enjoyment:

1. Boys with thin hair who wear it long and in a ponytail.
2. Committed Christians of any denomination.
3. Lovers of old, tattered tie-dyed tank tops.
4. Boys who laugh on roller coaster rides.
5. Boys who insist that I shave my legs.
6. Boys who don’t notice when they have overgrown toenails.
7. Boys who get mad and pouty when they are losing at Scrabble.
8. Boys who, if I break up with them, might say, “What am I going to tell my parents?”
9. Boys who regularly and intentionally mispronounce common objects, like calling scissors, skissors.

I think I’m getting old. Today someone accidentally farted in my presence and I didn’t even laugh.

• This car was in front of me with the license plate WATTSUP.
• I wondered if they were just dumb, or maybe their last name was Watts.
• Then I thought about how if lightbulbs greeted each other, they would totally say “watts up.”
• Imagining lightbulbs talking to each other reminded me of how, when I would ask my college boyfriend to turn on a light, he would walk up to it and say, “Hey baby” in a Barry White voice.
• This reminded me of how I was stalking my college boyfriend on Facebook and noticed that HE IS FRIENDS WITH MY EX-HUSBAND.
• Then I got back to my office, checked college boyfriend’s page for activity, and saw this:
“[Your College Boyfriend] accepted a J. R. R. Tolkien from [Your Ex-Husband] using Mid-Evilists.”
• And then I died.

You know what I hate? When people say “Thanks in advance” in an email. It’s so presumptuous. A friendly “Thanks!” closes almost every work email I send, but there’s something mildly threatening about “thanks in advance.” I know you will do exactly what I asked, the person seems to be saying, because look! I already thanked you, and now you are in my debt.