6 Nov 2007

Dear Diary…

Written by sally @ 4:59 pm — Section: sally

I have always thought that it was important to accurately remember the dead. It’s so easy to immediately make a dead person into a saint, but I think to truly honor someone, you should remember their entire personality.

My friend Jonas died in a car accident in 1996, and while he had many fine qualities — pretty hair, a generous spirit — he was also The Most Overly Dramatic Person in the History of the World. People: he took me to a graveyard to announce that he had lost his virginity. While I love that story, in real life his melodrama aggravated me, and I want to always hold on to that aggravation. It was just such a big part of who he was. And what the rest of us talked about when he wasn’t around.

However, however, I can’t stop thinking about “The Ethicist” column in this week’s New York Times Magazine. Want a guaranteed way that your friends and family will remember just how horrible a person you were? Have a clause in your will that requires your executor to send transcriptions of your fury-filled diary entries to the people you were furious with! Ho ho, what a grand idea!

I have been thinking about a) what sort of person this must’ve been and b) what the dead lady said about the lady who wrote the letter to The Ethicist and c) how it would feel to receive such a rant from a dead friend and d) how do you go about selecting the passages? and e) isn’t your diary where you write the really mean things that you don’t necessarily always believe? and f) what sort of person this must’ve been.

5 Nov 2007

My Life in Doritos.

Written by sally @ 4:03 pm — Section: sally

Junk food update: I am over puffy Chee-tos and have moved on to my first love, Nacho Cheese Doritos. I feel stupid typing out the “Nacho Cheese” part, because for me, there is only one. You Cool Ranchers out there? Losers. And dear god, could someone hold my hair next time I see the commercial for the Doritos that are — ahem — Wing and Blue Cheese flavored?

I haven’t had a Dorito in awhile, maybe even all year. But I just ate some, and now I clearly remember why all I ate for lunch in 7th grade was the following:

1 bag Nacho Cheese Doritos ($.50)
1 Coca-Cola ($.50)

My friend Michele ate the same thing, only with a Dr. Pepper, and because I don’t really like the Doritos that are heavily coated in orange glory, I’d trade her my orangiest ones for her barest ones.

I think those are all the stories I have about Doritos. I’ll let you know if something else occurs to me.

This boring post brought to you by NaBloPoMo.

4 Nov 2007

Sunday Report.

Written by sally @ 7:17 pm — Section: sally

I have to say, this has been a pretty enjoyable weekend. Here are some of the factors involved in my assessment as such:

1. Lunch at the Cherokee.
2. Seeing The Darjeeling Limited.
3. Picking up dinner from Hamil’s (and running into Poobou‘s parents!).
4. Falling back! Fall back kicks spring forward’s ass.
5. Doing six loads of laundry before 12 today.
6. The fact that as I write this, the smell of 40, er, 50 cloves of garlic roasting happily in a pan with a chicken has filled the house. Thanks, Larry!
7. OH MY GOD he made tiramisu, too. Although I’m hoping he used up all the garlic in the chicken dish.
8. That is all.

3 Nov 2007

Vanity Tag-a-Go-Go.

Written by sally @ 9:19 pm — Section: sally

Larry: Hey, look at that tag. H-P-P-Y-G-R-L.
Me: Aw, she’s a happy girl.
Larry: Happy? She’s not happy. She’s a hippie.
Me: A hippie wouldn’t have a vanity tag.
Larry: Oh, she’s a hippie all right.
Me: No, she’s not! She’s wearing a baseball cap! Hippie girls do not wear baseball caps! Happy people wear baseball caps. Let’s follow her and she which one she is!
Larry: (sighs, turns down different parking lot aisle)

In the same parking lot, we saw a car with not only airbrushed fairies all over it, but a tag that said QT BABY.

2 Nov 2007

Joker.

Written by sally @ 9:06 pm — Section: sally

I made this joke up several years ago and still think it’s quite good:

Q: What’s similar about King Tut and a guy who eats beans?
A: They have Tutenkhamen.

Awesome! I know.

I will spare you the jokes from that one time in 1997 the Floons and gclark and I were driving back from Tupelo and we decided to make up jokes about spices. (gclark, btw, did not participate, nor did he think we were funny. To him I dedicate the joke about mustard seed.)

1 Nov 2007

NaBloPoMo.

Written by sally @ 4:35 pm — Section: Uncategorized

Seeing as it’s National Blog Posting Month and all, and seeing as I’ve already posted every day for an entire year, I’m in.

Edible Things I Should Be Enamoured with As of Late Seeing As I Am Busy Growing a Person Right Now:

1. carrots
2. nutrients
3. vitamins
4. minerals
5. wheat germ (more…)

31 Oct 2007

Happy Halloween!

Written by sally @ 6:32 am — Section: sally

lonely goatherd.jpg

(more…)

30 Oct 2007

Eight Exciting Things I Have Seen or Heard Lately!

Written by sally @ 9:16 am — Section: sally

Vanity tags! Weirdos! Giant trophies! (more…)

25 Oct 2007

MRFLN = NUTZ.

Written by sally @ 9:51 am — Section: sally

Mr. Floon called Mrs. Floon this morning to report a hilarious car tag he saw on a Mustang. Only Mrs. Floon didn’t get it, and then Mr. Floon got mad, and I don’t get it either, so here it is:

VNMS8L

Uh, what? Internet, please help.

Speaking of the Floons, Larry and I had this conversation yesterday:

Me: Henry got his balls cut off today.
Larry: …
Me: Uh, Henry is my mother’s kitten.
Larry: Ohhh. I was trying to figure out which Floon twin that was.

And speaking of Henry, apparently he tried to escape the cage he was in at the vet’s last night and somehow got his arm caught. The vet is worried about nerve damage and told my mother that there’s a possibility they’ll have to amputate his kitty arm. If you know my mother at all, you can imagine how well this went over. However, Henry is a very spirited fellow — a few months ago he managed to a) knock some washcloths into the bathroom sink to stop it up and then b) turn on the faucet, resulting in c) a flooded bathroom — so even if he does turn out to be three-legged, I’m sure he’ll figure out a way to use his good arm to set the house on fire or something.

23 Oct 2007

Gun Control.

Written by sally @ 9:49 am — Section: sally

I had a dream last night that there were two guns pointed at my head. Then they turned into rolled up corn tortillas, and so I ate them.

22 Oct 2007

Nugga Lamma Ding Dong.

Written by sally @ 11:01 am — Section: Uncategorized

• Is anyone watching Mad Men? Did you see the season finale? Did you see the part where Peggy has been getting chunky throughout the season and then the part where she had a stomachache and went to the doctor and ended up WITH A BABY? Horrible, awful Pete’s baby? I can’t stop thinking about it. I really wish someone else watched this show besides me. Larry can only hear me say “I can’t believe Peggy had a baby!” so many times.

Top Model: so far, my favorites are Heather (duh) and Lisa and Sarah. Jenah and I are not speaking due to her unspeakable weave, but she takes great photos. I am gunning for Chantal and/or Bianca to get the axe next.

Dear The Office: I am very glad you’re moving back to 30-minute episodes this week. I love you, but it turns out it’s conditional.

• Quiz–Which One of These Soft Rock Easy Favorites Did I Download This Weekend?

a) “How Deep Is Your Love” by the Bee Gees
b) “I’d Really Like to See You Tonight” by England Dan and John Ford Coley
c) “Everything I Own” by Bread
d) “All Out of Love” by Air Supply

• I did not wrap Christmas presents this weekend, but I did make a pan of the most delicious brownies known to man. First, get a box of brownie mix. Once everything is mixed, dump in about a teaspoon of peppermint extract. Then, once the batter is in the pan, sprinkle old mint swirl chips that you found in your pantry from last Christmas on top. Bake, and enjoy the minty smells as they waft through your house. Later, experience minty fudgy goodness and marvel at your baking skills.

• Oh, and speaking of food, we are once again friends! Reunited and it feels so good, etc. Goodbye, nausea. I hope we have broken up for good.

19 Oct 2007

Things That Will Not Interest You. BELIEVE ME.

Written by sally @ 3:15 pm — Section: sally

1. I got a haircut yesterday. I like to let my hair look as horrid as possible the day I get my hair cut so that it will look all that much better when I leave the salon, and man: I outdid myself yesterday. It was Nolte-esque.
2. I have done a good deal of Christmas shopping already and this weekend, I plan to plunge further into the abyss of insanity and actually start wrapping them. I know. You don’t have to say it.
3. Can you think of a good reason that a white van would back into your neighbor’s driveway, then 5-10 minutes later, drive away? What about if they came back and backed into the driveway, then left 5-10 minutes later again? What if they came back at least 5 times within an hour? Would you feel guilty that you didn’t get up and write down their license plate just in case they were some sort of bizarrely confident late afternoon thieves? (Later, when you were taking a shower and the cat decided to jump on top of the dresser and knock everything off, would you imagine that the White Van Killers were in your house, methodically working their way down the street? No? Ha ha! Me either.)
4. My coworker has been repeatedly telling me about this horrible casserole her mother made when she was little (she ate a bite, then threw up on her plate). These are the ingredients:
–chicken
–cream of mushroom soup
–chunks of mushy biscuit dough throughout, not on top
–hard boiled eggs

18 Oct 2007

Open Letters to Those Who Have Offended Me.

Written by sally @ 1:49 pm — Section: sally

Dear Lady Who Got in Her Car at the Pizza Shack, Shifted into Reverse, and Then Just Sat There,

If you were going to sit there, maybe you shouldn’t have put your car in reverse. Those little white tail lights indicated to me that I wasn’t going to have to park down the street in the rain.

Whatever,
Sally

Dear Man in Car Who Made a Big Show of Overswerving to Get Around Me and then Honked While I Was Waiting for the Lady Who Got in Her Car at the Pizza Shack, Shifted Into Reverse, and Then Just Sat There,

I was totally out of your lane. Also, nobody thinks you’re cool.

Get a life,
Sally

Dear Nurse Who Left a Fresh Gown on the Examination Table After Replacing the Protective Germ-Barrier Paper Thingie,

Thanks for leaving that gown on the table! Usually when nurses leave those out, it’s code for “hey patient, get naked and put this on.” Oh, but get this, I didn’t need to get naked. So when the doctor came in, I looked like a nut. Thanks!!

No really, thanks!!!!
Sally

Dear Person Who Called Today and Asked What It Means When Your Computer Says to Shut it Down So That It Can Download Some Updates,

It means you’re supposed to shut the computer down so it can download some updates.

I hate you,
Sally

16 Oct 2007

Overheard in Crazytown: Same Weird Man Edition.

Written by sally @ 1:09 pm — Section: sally

Overheard in a Car I Was Riding In Today:

Woman: Who owns that building?
Weird Man: Well, I was looking at the tax rolls, and I don’t mean to be prejudiced,* but the owner had…well…a funny sounding name.
Me: (had been ignoring conversation, but now perks up and waits to hear what ethnic group is about to be slandered; predicts a Middle Eastern-sounding name)
Woman: Really?
Weird Man: Yes. It was an Italian name. Like Carducci or Carlucci.
Woman: Oh no!
Weird Man: Yep, the mob’s moving to town!
Me: (to self) OMG.

*If you say this, you might as well wear a t-shirt that says BTW I AM SO PREJUDICED.

Overheard in an Art Gallery Where Someone Has Given the Group I’m With a Tour:

Gallery owner: (has just finished giving detailed information on art, art-esque stuff, art techniques, art acquisitions, art cetera) Any questions?
Weird Man: So, what kind of floors are these?

11 Oct 2007

I Think I Mentioned I’ve Been on a Boring Streak.

Written by sally @ 12:22 pm — Section: sally

Top Model: how rad would it be if, before each makeover episode each cycle, Tyra watched the tapes of how the girls interact, chose the most annoying one, and then, told her “We’re going to give you big, beautiful Beyonce hair! Wait, no, sorry, wow, your hair is really damaged. Ho ho, now we’re going to shave your head!” Because I want that moment to happen in the future. And in the past. Also, if Tyra could smack Chantal down that would be awesome.

Also, did y’all see the Top Chef reunion show? Do you really, really want to make out with CJ now? Speaking of reunions, why did no one alert me to the Rock of Love reunion? Thanks, assholes.

This morning my boss called at 6:30 to announce that our building was without power and that we didn’t have to come in until 10. Woo hoo! Back to bed I went with a cup of tea, a book (Ellen Douglas’s A Family’s Affairs), and a dog. Then she called again at 8:30 and said, “Power’s back on! You can come to work now!” Way to ruin my morning.

P.S. Also, there’s this. I am in such awesome company! Carol Channing and I can totally trade undergarments.

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