We are headed to Big G today for a long Thanksgiving weekend. Because I am totally writing this from the future, before the trip, I hope the trip won’t take an extra hour because I have to stop and pee approximately every 23 minutes. Here’s hoping!

Gorjus (driving): Here’s a license plate for you.
Sally: Ok.
Gorjus: You know, “sweetpea” is a cute word. It’s appropriate for a tag.
Sally: Yes.
Gorjus: But not if you spell it PEE.
Sally: What! Sweet pee? How is “sweet” spelled?
Gorjus: S-w-t.
Sally: SWT PEE? Maybe that’s not sweet pee. Maybe it’s sweat pee.
Gorjus: Maybe the guy works in a lab and deals with fluids.
Sally: It’s like Lust, Caution. Sweat, pee.

Dear Modern Letter Project People I Was Supposed to Get a Letter From in September, October, and November:

You suck.

Love,
Sally

Dear Modern Letter Project People I Was Supposed to Get a Response From Because I Wrote Your Asses in September, October, and November:

You suck worse.

Love,
Sally

No, I was wrong. Sunday is the saddest blogging day. My apologies.

Wait, what’s that? You want to know what all I did today? Ok, then, in the spirit of boring blogs everywhere, here is a brief list:

–watched two episodes of Clean House
–ate an Egg McMuffin
–drove around the neighborhood sneering at various garage sale offerings
–went to Lowe’s
–went to Target
–ate a shrimp poboy
–watched Law and Order: Criminal Intent
–went to bed at 9:30

Fascinating!

1. I was buying this hilariously useless product at Tuesday Morning the other day — purely because it was $2.99, and for $2.99 I will buy almost anything that claims to magically clean things, especially with battery power and by the way, did you notice that in the picture, it’s picking up chicken salad off of maroon carpet? Wouldn’t you buy it too? I tried making it slurp up spaghetti off my plate last night and uh, let’s just say it didn’t work — and the lady who was checking me out had 8 piercings in her right ear and 9 in her left. I know this because I asked.

2. Apparently a month ago the good people of Fred’s had a going away dinner for a long-time manager, and Toby made a casserole, and people are still talking about it. I asked about this, too. It had penne (pronounced penny, btw), chicken, and broccoli, and that broccoli was just so perfect. I wonder if salespeople get tired of me asking questions when they are clearly intent on ignoring me and having their own conversations.

3. I was pumping gas the other day and while it was filling up I cleaned out my car. I threw away lots of wadded up napkins and straw wrappers and water bottles, and when I went back to the pump to check on it, it had filled my car up with $.71 of gas. SEVENTY-ONE CENTS. In two minutes. I’ve never put $.71 on my debit card before. I bet it’s going to look hilarious on my bank statement.

4. Yesterday in the doctor’s office, this lady sat directly next to me (even though there were plenty of chairs elsewhere), made a loud phone call, and then took out an empty water bottle and spit into it. I was not impressed.

5. I also overheard this conversation in the waiting room (different person):

No, Mama, no. Uh-uh. The pills they say she overdosed on? I picked those up for her on Sunday. They only gave me 10 of them.

I need more information.

So, Top Model and Project Runway in one delicious night!

First, though, Top Model is on my nerves right now. It is not rocking my world. Watching some bitches try to piss off an autistic girl who generally kicks their asses modeling-wise is not fun to watch, especially (as Lucy pointed out in an email earlier) when all of them have fucked up hair. Saleisha, your hair is not fashion-forward. It is the same haircut that DOCTOR BAILEY has on Grey’s Anatomy. Seriously. Also: do you remember that old Reach toothbrush commercial where the guy has a flip-top head? I think Bianca has one.

However, I enjoyed the PR-esque designer challenge on Top Model. I can never tell: is that stealing, or is it an homage?

So: Project Runway. What are there, 50 designers this season? Those apartment doors kept opening and designers kept pouring in. Since there are too many to keep track of, let me say that my obvious unfavorite is the hippie who made the dress that inspired Heidi to say “it looks like the dress is pooing fabric.” As if I didn’t hate her enough when she was making grass stains on her fabric — THEN she has to go and make a hideous dress, and then during judging melt off into a hippie wonderland where garments turn into haiku. I don’t like the dude who won, but I am hoping that he is a one-trick draping pony and will fail miserably next week. I liked Christian and the super-tubby guy but hated any dress that featured necklaces dangling off of it.

Mrs. Floon called this morning and was distraught over there not being a more challenging first challenge — bring on the corn husks, Austin Scarlett! — but I think many of the designers in previous seasons have hidden behind the fact that the challenges create unnatural designing situations, and oh, if only they could do whatever they wanted, they would blow the judges away. Maybe they got this potential away-blowing out of the way now so everyone knows what people are capable of. You know. Like making ugly dresses.

Fellow DVR-ers, let me tell you something: you need to start recording 120 Minutes off of VH1 Classic. It’s usually on at like 3 in the morning on random days of the week, and when you feel like watching tv but cannot handle another police procedural — actually, this never happens; I am always in the mood for another police procedural — you will have two glorious hours of videos from bands you used to love.

Larry and I have been doing this lately, and people: it is delightful. Last night we got to see lots of great things, like the Smiths’ incredibly boring video for “There Is a Light That Never Goes Out” and the Boomtown Rats’ video for “I Don’t Like Mondays,” which led Larry to say, “I’m surprised you know this song,” which enraged my 80s sensibilities and led me to snottily pontificate upon the new wave/alternative music radio options in Dallas in the mid- to late 80s, which I’m sure he wanted to hear.

In other news, you know that Project Runway starts tonight, right? I don’t care if she doesn’t know how to put a diaper on correctly; I love the Klum.

So I was reading the first chapter of How to Talk About Books You Haven’t Read by Pierre Bayard online, and this paragraph is not only true, but also fills me with dread/makes me have hives:

Reading is first and foremost non-reading. Even in the case of the most passionate lifelong readers, the act of picking up and opening a book masks the countergesture that occurs at the same time: the involuntary act of not picking up and not opening all the other books in the universe.

I have felt that guilt before — that by reading this book, I’m not reading all the other great books out there. I generally have this feeling when I start a really stupid book. HELLO GREAT WORKS OF LITERATURE! I SHUN YOU FOR THIS TREACLE.

In other news, I read that today on Ellen, Heidi Klum said that Britney Spears taught her how to use a diaper correctly. From Us Weekly‘s website:

“We were talking about babies and diapers and she explained to me a lot of things about diapers I that didn’t know,” Klum told DeGeneres.

“You know these sticky things on the side? I never knew that they were there. To close them in the front, I was always putting string around. I had no idea,” Klum said.

Please note the part where she says a) she didn’t know how to use a diaper and b) that she used to tie string around her babies.

As I was driving home after my exciting and patriotic Veterans’ Day trip to the Dollar Tree, I saw a girl running and skipping barefoot down Riverside Drive. She would run a few steps, fling out her arms, kick a leg, do a twirl, then run a few more steps. I went to college with a lot of people like her. (There was one girl in my biology called named Cinnamon. Her last name was Crispin or Crispy or something that went extremely well with Cinnamon — went extremely well if she were a pastry, anyway.) Anyway, I was equally annoyed and relieved that apparently the twirling, barefoot happy breed has not died out completely, but is at least alive in well in Belhaven.

Is it a sign that I am a very old lady that the fact that the checker and the bagboy were both singing “Smooth Criminal” at the store today really, really got on my nerves? So much so that I vaguely considered telling on them? Yes? I thought so. Good times.

The Departed was on tv tonight. Man. Have y’all seen this movie? I remembered that it was good, I remembered the part with Martin Sheen and the sploosh!, but other than that, it was all new. Leonardo, make more movies.

TGIF! And TGINPFTTP!*

*Thank God I’m Not Putting a Fake Timestamp on This Post

I’m doing the [your age] x 365 thing, where I’m writing 34 words about a person I know every day for the next year. It’s over on the sidebar, or you can click here.

Last night I was digging around in the guest room closet trying to find something to wear to work today — clothes are becoming a problem for me — and I came across my dream journal. If you already know how boring it is to hear other people’s dreams, get ready for some fun! If you don’t know this already, read on. (more…)