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23 Nov 2005

Dear MSRPCBBI.

Written by sally @ 11:04 am — Section: sally

Dear Martha Stewart’s Recipe for Pumpkin Cookies with Brown-Butter Icing:

WTF?

As you may or may not be aware, I am not a fan of your main ingredient. I don’t eat pumpkin pie, and last night as I opened the can of pumpkin, I nearly gagged from the smell. It smelled like…squash. In a can. Which reminds me that once I drank Hoegaarden with Mr. Floon, and he wanted to vomit because it smelled and tasted like his mother’s compost pile growing up.

As a nod to the pumpkin eaters who are coming to my house tomorrow, I decided to make you. And perhaps my heart wasn’t in it, or perhaps the fact that I was listening to Vendela tell me about her anniversary trip to the Alluvian and wasn’t paying attention and put too much butter in you was the problem.

But whatever the case, cookies, something is definitely wrong with you.

You’re pretty, and all golden and gingersnap-smelling, and you don’t even taste all that bad (for pumpkin). But your texture is off. Your texture is marshmallowy. I can think of nothing more vile than a pumpkin marshmallow.

I thought maybe you would improve overnight. This morning your condition had worsened and you had morphed into more of a pumpkin taffy. Oh, no, you di’int! I am sure you still taste ok (for pumpkin), but you are sticky and weird and a bit scary and I think I am going to throw all 5 dozen of you away.

No hard feelings, ok?

Thanks,

Sally Nordan
Master Pastry Chef Extraordinaire, If By “Master” You Mean “Cruddy”

9 Responses to “Dear MSRPCBBI.”

  1. Polly said:

    Hoegaarden is a fine beer! once made by monks!

  2. sally said:

    Compost heap! End of story!

  3. The Boy Davis said:

    I have to agree with Polly – The Hoegaarden is mighty fine! Mashmallow Pumkin Cookies on the other hand – poo-ee!!

  4. Frenchie said:

    I too made these cookies, but mine are just fine, even the day after. You probably don’t want to hear that. But yeah, the smell of squash in a can, even for me, a pumpkin eater, was both unexpected and unpleasant. And I must’ve made mine smaller than yours b/c I ended up with, no lie, 10 DOZEN of these things. Is this b/c I used, uh, a pastry bag?

    PS — I love Hoegaarden, but only with lemon.

    Happy Turkey Day!

  5. sally said:

    I’m glad to hear that they turned out ok for you! Yeah, apparently adding an extra half-stick of butter isn’t the way to go. They were still cute and smelled good and all (and tasted ok)–but that texture was a deal breaker.

    How was the icing? I never got that far. I figured more moisture would turn them into pumpkin soup.

  6. Frenchie said:

    The icing was way thick. Definitely needed extra evap. milk. But I wish I had only iced half of them, or at least, put the leftovers in the fridge. B/c the icing did not do well sitting out (even in one of those ziploc containers), and I felt bad throwing out the last DOZEN today when the cookie itself was still okay. Honestly, though, the only way to stop eating them was to throw them into the bin.

    An extra half-stick of butter? Seriously? What happened to your philosophy of not deviating from Martha’s instructions? (As for me, 3 tsp of pumpkin spice seemed to work v. well.)

  7. sally said:

    I wasn’t paying attention. I was on the phone and just threw the whole 2 sticks in there. I’d never deviate from Martha on purpose!

  8. Liz said:

    I almost emailed you for the recipe for those cookies! guess I’m glad I was too lazy.

  9. gorjus said:

    Pumpkins are creepy. I do believe I’ve never tasted one, consciously, in any form.

    The Hoe is also good with an orange slice mashed up in the bottom!