1. “America’s Worst Tattoos.” I underestimated how entertaining this show would be. The commercials didn’t indicate that the people themselves are crying at night because their tattoos are so bad. I might’ve watched four episodes last night and cackled through them all. Here are some of the tattoos that were featured and/or covered up:
– pink baby devil holding a candle that looks like a weiner
– two forties being poured into someone’s buttcrack
– Japanese fighting tampons
One of my favorite features of the whole thing is that about 75% of the time, the new tattoo is just as stupid as the original; it’s just done really well. For example: a guy angry at his last two girlfriends got them as skeletons tattooed on his leg along with their various vices (booze, pills). Rule 1: do not put the enemy’s likeness on your person. His current girlfriend, with whom he has a child, was not a fan. So instead, he opted for a dad and kid elephant pair. The dad elephant has a mustache and the kid elephant is holding a rubber duckie. It is infinitely better, but still: mustache elephant. On your laig.
2. Tenth of December by George Saunders is one of the only things I can think of that lives up to the hype. It’s one of the funniest/darkest/saddest/best things I have ever read.
3. The Pink/Nate Ruess song “Just Give Me a Reason” is on a constant loop in my head. So then I started humming it at home. Then Spike asked what it was, so I sang it, and now HE sings it, and I have to say, hearing your little boy go “You’ve been talking in your sleep / oh oh / Things you never say to me / oh oh” while he’s sitting on the toilet is rad.
4. I have this hackberry tree in my backyard that got tired of standing up all the time and decided to lay down. It eased over a bit and is leaning on some phone and power lines. Luckily, it is good friends with an oak in my neighbor’s yard and the oak is holding it up. It a mess, y’all. It a big mess. Also there is a tree that dumps giant murder logs into the yard when the wind blows — giant, 10 feet long limbs that leave gouges in the ground. It’s going, too. As is all of my money. While it’s kind of hurting my feelings that I have to pay a bunch of money and will not get anything in return — no new transmission or trip to Paris. I have done my fretting and grieving and on Tuesday, there will be two less trees trying to kill me.
5. Someone buy me this.